A man with a hand

i went through a whole entire day. working with my left hand.

my right hand felt it was being hammered every 5 seconds.

coughin away. sneezing away.

man i wasnt feeling good all day.

Thank God it wasnt so bad.... when i can go home early to rest. and with modern medication... i can ease my hand easily.

i suddenly remembered Jacob in all of this, how he had a limp. a weakness... that hurts him.

every step.. it hurts.

every move and twitch he makes with his legs... it hurts...

but every step... He was reminded... "i wrestled with God... and i prevailed"

what that really means.... i dont really know.

but i know how sick he must be with his life to have wrestled with God....

and after that.. he became a prince. JAcob to Israel

i shall depend on you more.

Man at the arena

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt 26th President of USA.

Man who make a decision to step up make a difference.

Today as Pastor shared this statement and it reminded how much a value of a dream can be.

i remember how my dear ones have to suffer under a negative spotlight for a period of time.... its like a longg night for them... but yet they persisted... and now i can see her closer to her dream.

i remember how i use to run away when i meet in any tough situations... how i blame You God... how i sought refuge on every scrap of 'lies', fault-finding, or blame-pushing ... so that i will not be at fault.

God you have grown me. i am slowly but surely a different man now. i dont have the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. i can think better... see bigger pictures.

Thank you for trusting me

Such a fool

I can't believe I allow myself to behave like this again.

Seriously.. What's wrong with me?

Is there no hope???

Can I please have a breakthrough Lord. My heart aches.....

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

day in pain

^9-10 Jabez was a better man than his brothers, a man of honor. His mother had named him Jabez (Oh, the pain!), saying, "A painful birth! I bore him in great pain!" Jabez prayed to the God of Israel: "Bless me, O bless me! Give me land, large tracts of land. And provide your personal protection—don't let evil hurt me." God gave him what he asked.

Dear God... i have forgotten this pain. this pain caused by rheumatamoid arthritis. the pain that stills away your locomotions.

everything i do just takes double or triple the time. and the pain falls on my right wrist... means everything i do has to be done on my left hand. brushing of teeth, cooking my noodles, bsthing .. even typing.

i used to feel alot of self pity.. now i just am so irritated by this. cooking a bowl of noodles takes so much more time now... and guess what.. my left hand slip and everything fell over.

God i cant help but think is there a future for me... how can i take care of people when i have this burden over me... will i be like this forever?

God like Jabez prayed ... life wasnt easy when he start out. he must have been called many names. he must have been so discouraged at times. he must have felt worthless or hopeless... but he put his trust in u and prayed.

likewise.. extend my tent .. my capacity to do great things .. my tolerance for pain

protect me from harm... from any evil, hopeless.. self-pity negative thoughts

keep me from evil... i dont need any form of relieft but that which comes from you. you are my refuge..

and bless me oh Lord... empower me with your grace that i will not be a person that cause pain. my name means healer. and i shall indeed be what it says.

so Jabez in heaven.. if God can do it for you.. He can do it for me.

God please heal me... this pain is awful..

The list

God...

i am going to do abit of homework today.

to create a list of the unhealthy habits and thought life.

i notice a certain pattern of childish intepretations of what others are doing that makes me feel lousy.. or possibly angry with myself.

1) When talking to a person - if she looks around halfway and look at something more interesting that what i am talking.... i will feel that my words are boring. my conversation is not engaging.

result: i will feel frustrated w myself. and angry at the other party not paying attention.

verdict: i think its silly. i am used to being the centre of attention when i am young in primary school. when i mature... suddenly all that attention is lost... as my uncles and auntie move house. i began to feel insecure cos i am not making connections with people the way i used to do.

now how do i go about solving this? rewiring my mind helps?

i need a word from the bible.

2) when i speak to someone... and the person doesnt reply. it gets on me.... you see i dont know why i am so particular on all this eeny meeny things. these are all pretty what girls will be sensitive about right? but i care. and i dont know why i care but i just did. and it cause me this frustration.

result: am i speaking to softly? or i asked something silly? should i pretend nothing happen and just continue doing what i previously left off? should i talk louder and re-ask what i was talking? am i asking question that is not making sense?

verdict: i think alot. almost too much for that particular instance. i usually pretend nothing happens and continue on. but at the back of mind i still think.. what is wrong with me? i see others making fluid conversations.. but i cant even sustain a question.

what i hear people telling me: dont think you have something wrong with you. we are different.. but all still pretty much the same. we are all humans with flaws. (or) you putting too much thots in ya conversations. it should always be natural... to much planning in a sense makes the conversation unnatural.

what should i do: i need to have peace of God. i hunger for meaningful conversations. but probably 99% of time wont happen the way i want it to be. so..... just at that point... i need to know it's ok if i dont make my point across. ultimately God listens to my every thought.. my ever word. i need to know i dont need to feel alone in any circumstance. He is with me. if no one understands what i am saying.. i am sure they will one day when i can express myself better.

right now i need a word for this.

---

meanwhile to cope with my low self-esteem.. i have these plans

i know i cant rush. i cant rush what you can do in my heart

but what i can do is the following.

Seek Pastor Aries for prayer and counselling. most prob with Xiuwen

- Learn from Ryan what it means to be a man that maximise his wife;s womanhood.

- learn from Dad how to be a family man. and appreciate family time more. possibly learn how to bridge back the gap that was torn with my relatives

- Speak to Elaine on Saturday and ask her to lay hands on me. Ask her for advice from how she sees our relationship.. what areas i can improve.

speaking to them... i may expect to receive many constructive criticisms that will hit my heart.

but to grow my child in me to be a man. i need to do whatever it takes..

Reflections

Dear God..

my heart is exeedingly sorrowful. i just feel i really need a breakthrough in my life. I really love this person alot.

can you imagine that time and time again you keep hurting the same person u love .. the person that love you.

i just really feel like a jerk

i just read through an email she wrote when we were first really getting to know each other.

on 3 August.. she wrote this statement

"yea, so like what i was sharing, i really hope to have a man in my life, who can really take care of me. who loves me and supports me, and understanding towards how i feel and make me feel fulfilled as a woman. where my life is really maximised. where being in a relationship is really a blessing to each other and not a pain or agony. i know there are no perfect relationships, but, it's like, on a whole, the relationship will feel more blissful than painful... you know what i mean? really hope to have a guy who really has a heart for God. who loves God, who serves Him with all his heart, yet still love the people around him."

God please help me

when i read that i keep weeping..

because i am not that man in the email. i am not. :(

i felt i led her on.... i made her believe i am that man.. but time and time again i became selfish and insecure.... i dont just hurt myself... but i i kept hurting her.

it hurts me. i just dont know what else i can do... .

August 2nd.

i wrote

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

Dear God. can i really be a man like this ?

i can. but God how?

please help me God

Low

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel like a mouse in this big big world. Im not sure if I am schizophrenic. Or I have another spirit that lives in me. I constantly feel I am useless.. And people don't deserve my time. When an attempt to strike conversation w someone failed.. And my colleagues can enjoy heart to conversation.. I will think there must be something wrong w me

When my frens graduate from their studies.. And I'm still studying,. I Will think there is something wrong with me.

With the recent episode w vic. And sometimes when members tell me me can't serve. They can't come Cg or service.. Cos they are doing assignment... I will think is it because there is something wrong w cell group or service? Or am I thinking too much.

I fell sick twice in these 2 weeks. Body is weak. I feel so weak.

God look at me. I have nothing to lead the people. No credentials. I am not a role model. Whats good in me? What's my strength? I feel so helpless now.

Hopeless. And I don't kow what to do. I don't know what is the next step to take..

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Conversation w boss

A biannual review. Citi has this culture where we need to do some goal plotting. But this time it's different. The boss will seat w every staff and discuss about our goals.. Our areas to work on. Or on any feedback.

She said our big boss is happy that I'm more lively .. Seldom doze off in work when I change my seat to seat near my department colleagues (previously I seat far away from my dept due to com shortage)

Hearing this makes me happy.. But yet.. I can't help thinking inhale a weak body. I tried to sleep earlier but I still feel so tired at work. Sometimes I really don't know why. Just so tired.

When I'm out w frens.. I will get tired easily.....

:( and they are all upset of me because of that

I'm really frustrated over all these things...

Frustrated that I'm not being the head ... But Im being the tail.

Something is really wrong huh

Then my boss says I always give an image that I look blur or loss hen communicating w people. She knows I'm not.. But I always give people tha perception.. By my countenance and subtle reactions....

I really seek to improve what I can improve. :( but I want to e promoted! She says she is worried how well I can cope. Can I multitask. Will I get stress easily. Can I remember things better.

There was once I was having a bad flu. My female colleagues were pushing their pedestal.. And when I did not offer to help... They feedback to the boss I'm somehow rather passive.

Boss knows I'm in church and in community Svc. She knows I'm sick.

Somehow I could have still step out and offer help. Think the holy spirit nudge me. But seeing how some other colleague help. I think I am not needed

I seem to be underperforming in my work :( seem like I am giving lots of bad impression of myself..

But she gave me positive feedbacks too. On how I led huddle .. Is very natural. I engage the people well.

Thinking though all these things.. Honestly I feel discourage.

Thinking I can't bid for a house for Xiuwen makes me even more sad. If we can't bid soon.. Then when :(? When there are no more slots? And we have to wait past 2014? 2015? 2016?

I hope to have a house of my own.... W the woman I love.

Sometimes she is busy.... W so many things and so many people. When my school starts.. Will she have time for me..

Ok I'm gg to rant this out. End of rant

Now God.. These are things I need help in. Maybe I need to readjust my perspective alittle. Maybe I need to pray up and find strength to e able to face up to certain challenges.

I can only say lord... I wanna trust you, I know I have deep issues. But God can u please deliver me. Help me o see a breakthrough for every single prob here.

I can't shine as salt and light if I can't even take care of myself. Right God?

My heart pains. I don't know why... It just hurts so much when I think of all these things. I need you God :((

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

brother talk

these few days... been talking to brothers....

i thank God that i have more brotherly frriendships these year. at least mature christians whom have great heart... and also a very human soul. we laugh.. share our weakness... talk about our visions .. dreams and life ahead.

it is great fellowship w Alan and Wei Quan... and Jasper.

i pray that we will all grow in the Lord... and most importantly...

we live out our life according to God's plan for us. :) its really nice to rub off some manhood from each other...

inner struggles and Jesus

someone told me this week...

in life u can either complain and stay e same...

or u can work hard and believe in a change.

comes in pretty useful to me.

change. e only constant thing in life.

its also something i am learning to accept in my life.

changes in the lives of people around me. their circumstance. all our circumstance.... change.

but glory to God because he make all things new. and He makes all things well in line. for his ways .. his thoughts are higher.

well the actual issues are

i need to get over certain hurts that are etched in my heart. they are like broken glass stuck at a corner. everytime the wound is revisted.. it aches. and i know my God is pulling it out....

i know im sensitive guy.

and its really by his grace i can be able to be gracious i feel. if not i will prob explode on the inside.

I am not where i am supposed to be but thank God i am not the way i used to be... (Joyce Meyer)

and its a work in progress.

i keep blaming God this week for making me. There are just little things.... little little things that can make me sick out there. i just feel so weak sometimes.....

i know what this means when i make a statement like that. that .. its faithless? can be even downright insulting to God the maker ? but yet!! i need to come to an understanding on all this matter...

today God showed me again a verse on a deacon. an elder. a leader.

he showed me that a leader must be upright. 1 tim2,3 and Titus 2

he showed me in Gen 24 God always has a plan. a promise

He showed me faithfulness...

:( i cry unfair. and he says this is the way it has to be.

there is no other way... but to trust and obey.

the truth shines brighter. and one day all things will come to light

its funny

its been a long day. tiring. but get to spend time w friends, im thankful.

think its been awhile i blog.

i feel quite twisted on the inside. like something is twisting my heart around. i cant fathom why.

it is depressing me.

yea. be a man. thicken it out.

why cant i just get this feeling out of me. :( or is hardening my heart the way ?

God.... :(

---

when is shower. i thought about today being Father's day. today being the day we thank our Father for all that he has done.... or just simply letting know we love him.

i began to think about what i remember about fatherhood.... i really dont think i can remember anything. i have many foster parents i guess. my grandma's children ( or my dad's unmarried brothers and sisters) stayed with me when i was young. i guess i was at the centre of the attention among them. they cane me. fed me. clothed me. and sometimes i wonder why i was born in such a messy place. i think alot when i was young. i thouight of how many times i am to plan my escape from this house and never come back. but i never have the courage to run away.

so i did the opposite i guess..... . i hide. hide away from people. from feelings. i do not want to show any vulnerabilities.. i must succeed in all the things i do. so that i can be accepted. eventually it all becomes meaningless. because they all left. now in this home at night. my ah ma.. and me lives. and 2 uncles still that i never really talk to since they are back only at wee-hours.

i began to wonder where is my father? do i ever have a father? what is a father? whats all the buzz about father and sermon about man and dad where i dont see a real good dad in my life.

what is a father ?

how does he look like ?'

abba father ?

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”

even as i write this. i feel miserable. i dont even feel like talking to a soul about this. nobody understand this.

i will choose just to listen to the Lord. and cling onto this verse as i sleep.

happy fathers day.

Thessalonians 1

1 Thessalonians 1

¹ Paul, Silas^[a] and Timothy,

To the church of the Thessalonians in God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ:

Grace and peace to you.

Thanksgiving for the Thessalonians’ Faith

² We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. ³ We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

⁴ For we know, brothers and sisters^[b] loved by God, that he has chosen you, ⁵ because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake. ⁶ You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. ⁷ And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia. ⁸ The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere. Therefore we do not need to say anything about it, ⁹ for they themselves report what kind of reception you gave us. They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, ¹⁰ and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead—Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath.

i have been reading the books of Thessalonians. and it has been really been a book that share about a very faithful, studious group of people ... who perservered in the trials of faith, loving God and people. i have been thinking how to study the word of God for awhile... to read through it repeatedly ? listen to it again and again ? meditate and ponder the word ? speak out and confess the verses ? find out the historical context of the people ?

Its good to have a study bible next to you!

a quick look says that the Thess-people shows:

- they are people with right motivation (v3)

- they work hand in hand with God, trusting His steps (v3)

- endure the cross like how Jesus did.

They fully follow the word of God. they imitate. they model after. they do it to such extent that their testimony reached everywhere... and become a source of encouragement to people who hear it.

there is also a radical transformation! (v9) they turn from idols to serve the one true living God... ernestly waiting for Jesus as their hope.

i think practically in my life.. it is not easy to model ourselves in the likes of our heroes of faith. talk about school work. exams. work commitments.. and the countless distractions on the internet. well sometimes there are just so many things that seeks our attention sometimes...

when i study for my examinations... it seems the slightest thing on my table can even pull my eyes away from my books. like a dusty comb to be cleaned. books lying in a corner needing to be packed. a new game in town there makes my finger itchy. the list is endless.

now that my exam is over.. strangely all these distractions are lesser. but they still compete for attention for my quiet time.. and in my study of the word of God.

To me imitators of Christ ... i dont believe is to become a monk and meditate like some wu gong. i am not sure how they kept their discipline back then... prob their distractions are not as serious as us. but one thing is for sure.. they are thirsty. and they know what they need to fill it.

As Christians... we will be thristy. even if we are filled now temporarily.. .we will be thirsty soon enough.

The question is ... do we know what we need to fill it... or do we just pluck the nearest fruit to fill in our stomach? a fruit that doesnt necessary nourish us. bbut distracts us. like a fruit of addictive computer games! that is my biggest tempter! or fruit of meeting friends that pulls us away from God? or fruit of covetousness?

i just feel right now i am using a very strange analogy.. fruits ..

but :) it serves its purpose! ultimately... i think its not impossible to follow after our heroes of faith. one good way is to be like them. study the word of God. purify our motives. and trust Jesus through everything and anything.

We need to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit. be led by Him. and ask Him to give us understanding on making the right decisions. Be led by the spirit... and thereby you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

i am gg to sleep! hope to learn something more from the WOG each day

mental fortress

i am thinking about what i am thinking now...

im feeling alittle lousy right now...

this post shall not be a post where i beat myself up..

you know... i have heard about my real mom. my actual mom. my dad says she is crazy.... she once wanted to throw me out of a window when i was a baby.... from the way my dad tells it... she left us and ran away. she couldnt stand it.

i cannot understand this... and i am not so sure if i ever will. how a mom leaves his child behind ?

but what makes me wonder is...... was my mom sane. did she snapped because of something that happened..

and for me... will i follow after her footsteps? will i one day snapped like she did ? i dont know but its like a lingering thing in me...

sigh. i hope i am not crazy.

but i shall just remmeber this verse. ps91. those who dwell in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadows of the almighty. I will say of Him ... He is my refuge. and my strength. In Him i will trust.

tired

feel very tired. sigh.

i need to spend some time with God.

i dont know how to keep doing what i am doing now...

guitar class with Poh

just back from guitar class with Bro Poh.... man he's really a charismatic... funny.... but really annointed leader.

Well one thing he said really caught me in my gut..... that is that as a christian, we have to develop the gifts/talents God has given to us.

"be loyal to the crafts He gave you"

yea that's the word... and i think during this period of holiday.. i can easily spent it lazing aroud,,, playing games.... etc.. but somehow deep inside me.. i feel unfulfilled :( like something is really missing.

things i will really wanna improve... or really develop... these passions are my guitar! my photography!! and also to have more time-out with friends :) lots and lots of catching up to do.

but i feel this is also a season God is telling me to build momentum for the next half of the year. this free time will not go on forever. every day is still a precious day.

so a part of me says! :O

i want to go overseas!!!

i want to learn driving!!!

I want to buy new (bigger) clothes... -_-""

i want to build muscles and yea... buff up!!

i want to spend time w ah ma... dad, mom and uncle!

i want to visit my friends more.... spend more time... visit them. give BS

i want to OT too! to earn money and save for my future!!

there is just so many things i want to do! so many! soo soo many!!

i realise as a guy... yet again.. i dont have the habit of like going to play soccer... going for sports. its really weird. that doesnt really excite me. but keeping fit and looking good is important to me.. its funny.

so i guess... its back to my priorities and what season next is God gearing me up for ? that i need to know... before i position myself to have lots of fun!! while doing all these things.

sigh... thinking about all these things to do can be tiring..

what's my topic agian.. ahha yes! guitar class!

the bottomline that i want to say is....... i am inspired to make my guitar sing again. i want to play better :) out of stagnancy. back into injecting music into my soul... and making it good again. :) yes!

putting aside everything

its been such a long while...

spending a quiet sunday with you. just hearing from you.

im putting on hold every agenda... every plans that i always have at the back of my mind.. just a simple nice Sunday morning with You

God i just want thank you for being so good to me....

there is non greater than you.....

i struggle alot with my faith sometimes... in believing for things to come to past.

yesterday you told me its time... to trust in You again. You reminded me of your goodness.. how you transform a F student to a top student in class in my primary school. You did that again F - A in secondary school. and now.... i know you will do again.

what are failures before you God? In you we can expect great things. We can have vulnerable times... but our hope is in you.

ive long forgotten about my arthritis. growing up with it makes be believe i can never be a sportsman. growing up with it makes me feel inferior to all other guys out there. but yesterday you told me... its time to move out of your normality. expect a breakthrough. expect me to give you something greater... and keep on expecting.

2 images pop out of my mind... the woman with the issue of blood... crawling through the streets to touch the robe of Jesus. for that healing. she ernestly expects the healing. if i could just touch...... i will be healed.

and the woman who beg jesus to heal her daughter... she replied with faith.. .but even dogs eat the crumbs from their master's feet.

what great faith.

Heb 11:6 ..But without faith it is impossible to pleaseHim, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

You have always plans for us. plans of greatness. it is silly for a son to think he can only feed pigs his whole life when his father has plans for him to rule His kingdom and his land.

expand mindset or not. enlarge my faith or not.. my first step is really my Father loves me! and he will take away my dirty torn clothes... wash me clean .. put on the signet ring and sandals... and wrap me under his arms.. and say rule and reign with me.

That is my Father. He has always been waiting.

Thank you Father.

2 more days

To my first Econs paper.

The one I failed consecutively

The one that stands between my path of subject mastery.

I shall conquer u!

Now back to my abyss of mugnation at this so called NTU with my sidekick bunny baby.

I fastandfurious man will prevail!!

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Thankful

God thank you for a wonderful day ahead.

I have a great time with Xiuwen and friends yesterday. They are all a bunch of great people. Thank you for the safe journey yesterday. Indeed she is so appreciative. I'm happy I made her day well. I don't think I am really special. But she love me
Still

Bless today. I want to believe it will be a fruitful day. Even as the day gets busier .. I want to trust in You... Believe that it will be such an awesome day. All things work together for the good of those who Love You. You are awesome God!! Most worthy to be praised!!

Let not my tongue forget to praise. Through all things,.. I know you are faithful and good. And your mercy endures forever.

I love you lord. Love you!

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Thank you Jesus

G C
Thank you for the cross, the mighty cross
Am D
That God himself should die for such as us
G G7
And everyday we're changed
C G/B Am
Into your image more and more
C D G C D
Yes, by the cross we've truly been transformed


G C
And we're so amazed and we give you praise
Am D G
That you would save us at such a cost
Em C
And we're so amazed and we give you praise
Am D Em A
For the power of the cross
Am D G
For the power of the cross

Artist: Mark Altrogge
Copyright: 1990 Integrity's Praise! Music

Unproductive

Feel so unproductive with my studies today. So sian that I can't concentrate at all....

I can't understand what I am reading too...

It's so frustrating!

How can I have a breakthrough?

God only you know. If I am at where I am.. And If I am really to shine as a salt and light with these responsibilities I am holding.. I am tellin you God.. I can't do it unless you are with me. And you bless me. Or else I think I really cannot make it.

God I need you!

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Sleepy

Can't concentrate in class... Urgh

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

tired

so tired..... .



need to be fruitful >:(

buddies night out

hang out with the guys yesterday...

dear told me ytd ... "you always say pple never ask you out... now the guys ask you out.. why not join them ? join them laaa "

and that make so much sense...

its funny. why didn't i just join them yesterday ? its just one night out. and it can temporary take my mind off work and studies.. but i was more concern over my studies then fellowship with them..

anyway its a good meetup. wont say we have alot of heart to heart talk... most of the conversation circled around the upcoming elections and games. ahhhh i feel the lack of topics in our mens talk! I think one of them were quite bored since he is not really into gaming.

maybe the guys here are not doing anything more than just these things huh ?

I feel God made man to take care of things. So we have a pretty deep down need to make sure things run well... that's my perception...

so the lack of meaningful activities could possibly make a guy wander into a fantasy world. like in those games. games these days really mimic reality... and fashioned it in a more exciting, less predictable way. That is why it is like guys are drawn to it. a world they can 'escape' into.

perhaps this could also reveal alittle of what is lacking in men's life these days. lack of vision? or even maybe a wrong vision.

in any sense.. its important to stick on to the narrow way.. that's all i know :)

anyway! i think the men in our cell group need to step out of just gaming..... more meaningful task! Some sports? Mission trip ? i am quite tempted to take up a regular sport after exam! hmmm point to consider.

:) still Thank God for a great meeting yesterday

Self defense system

God ... I feel like a wretched man. To have hurt my baby like this. I'm not the least supporting her in what I do... I am being my old self.

In my last conversation with her... I put her on a spot.

I am such a fool... Such a fool.

In my bid to defend my heart from further heartaches... I broke hers.

I have been selfish. I need to see things differently.

Indeed God.. I should
Have applied what I read yesterday... This verse is for me..

You said..

Phil 4

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again―rejoice! 5 Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.

6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

God .. I have been a fool...

God... I don't want to live a fool's life anymore. I don't want to let the cycle repeat itself again oh Lord.

This is like a disease. Like every cancer patient fears a relapse.. I feared I will walk into this 'trap' once again. It always start with a wrong negative thought.

So I need to make a point everyday... To confess.

You wash my past like a clean sleet of sheet. I am
Restored and redeemed. Holy spirit.. Rewrite my life with the words of God.

I am no longer Bounded by the chains of my past. I have a future with Christ Jesus. And the people you have set apart for me.

I no longer need to fear. For I know you are for me. You are for me.

In your perfect love.. Let this heart be strengthened.

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

yeps

yeps... im at home again..

spend happy time with my grandma :)

gosh.... i really need to rethink alot of things in my life.

i think i have seen so many people going for exciting activities outside.... it's like they are 'doing' something...

is it just my mindset? am i limiting myself by always telling myself i cant do it?

is it bad planning ? lack of determination to carry out that conviction ?

i see people going for AVIVA trialthon..... Jamming with their friends (oh man..... i wanna jam) .... going for holidays and short trips overseas... gymming....

everyday for me.. its just screen and books. occasionally i update my CMS. call some friends. do some follow ups.

argh. i dunno. i dont expect anyone to understand this feeling in me.

God you got to give me an answer?? IF that is not IT ?? then how should i move on ?? i cant take another step with this dissonance in me. it sucks big time.

have you ever?

have you ever felt that that when you try to speak... your voice is but like a tiny voice in the world? and there is little significance in your words. in what you say? there are flashes of this.. that happens to me today...

its like

Scene

( ^0^)...(hey you know we can do.....) (^_^ ) (HEY.... u noe hor).. (^o ^ )

( +_+)... ........... ( ^o^)..(yea yea.. ahaha i think so too) (bla bla)..(^_^ )

honestly..... i still do not understand. as typical as it is.... there is no big deal in such happenings....

but if it persist over a group conversation again and again

( ^0^)...(errraahhh yes i .... ) ...........( ^o^)( ^.^ ) (^.^ )

( +_+)...

....

( +_+)...

....

( +_+)@!!

in situations like for mr ( +_+) (since he always give this face).... he.... can choose to either be thick skin and find out the flow of the conversation ? in other words blend in...



or simply blend out (like a wallpaper)

so.... do you blend in or blend out?

and if you do blend in... how do you effectively blend in ?

why would anyone blend out?

You are for me

-Kari Jobe







So faithful. So constant.
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me.
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious,
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do.
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move.
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.

To remind me that
I know that You are for me.
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never,
forsake me in my weaknesses.
I know that You have come now,
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

I know that You are.

---

This song is so meaningful... our life are filled with chapters that resounds with his touch .. his presence. to remind us.. of who He is. of who You are.

simply touch my heart. :)

Philipians 3- forgeting, suffering

Philippians 3

The Priceless Value of Knowing Christ

¹ Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters,^[a] rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.

² Watch out for those dogs, those people who do evil, those mutilators who say you must be circumcised to be saved. ³ For we who worship by the Spirit of God^[b] are the ones who are truly circumcised. We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort, ⁴ though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could. Indeed, if others have reason for confidence in their own efforts, I have even more!

⁵ I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law. ⁶ I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.

⁷ I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ ⁹ and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ.^[c] For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. ¹⁰ I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, ¹¹ so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!

Pressing toward the Goal

¹² I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. ¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,^[d] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

¹⁵ Let all who are spiritually mature agree on these things. If you disagree on some point, I believe God will make it plain to you. ¹⁶ But we must hold on to the progress we have already made.

¹⁷ Dear brothers and sisters, pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example. ¹⁸ For I have told you often before, and I say it again with tears in my eyes, that there are many whose conduct shows they are really enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹They are headed for destruction. Their god is their appetite, they brag about shameful things, and they think only about this life here on earth. ²⁰ But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior. ²¹ He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies like his own, using the same power with which he will bring everything under his control.

i have put myself on a heavy restriction these few days. actually starting from today. not to play any game or watch any drama videos... etc... - except music videos or sermons.

so i ask God what can i do in my free time when i makan?

He said very nicely... "why not read the bible :) ?"

*groan*

haha honestly... that isn't one of my option in leisure time. i have a time set aside for quiet time already.... yea so bible reading isn't part of my plan! but it sure is His plan for me...

I have been reading philipians 1,2,3... these few days... skipping between proverbs and psalms... and i just cant move on until i get something out of it.

Pastor Phil previously touched on a part of this verse. It speaks to me because these very few days i have been thinking again and again on the same things.

"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done. ⁸ Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ"

there is something about this verse that strikes a note. every time a thought lingers about my secondary school, or when i see my secondary school friend in church. i feel kinda ashame. In my secondary school days... i really do very well in my exams. i am a straight A-student in my core subjects... (except chinese and english... pretty bad at language) .. By the grace of God... a near demotion to EM3 made me worked real hard.. and i was transfered to the top class in my school. there are high hopes then. but... every thing change when i was in JC. i was a slacker... my results plummeted. and the friends that i grew up with now have their own certs and are in their own respectable firms.

ever since my a's i felt i am terribly stupid person.

But the word says that everything that i have seen as valuable- i shall consider them as worthless. The thing that i hold so pridely... i got to let it go.

knowing that someone who touched my soul and gave me a new life is the real important thing.

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, ¹¹ so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!"

honestly... this is something i dont think any christian can easily confess... and mean every word he say. suffer with him... sharing in his death...? how do we do that? in real life... i see more christians running to the next holiday...... watch TV everyday... or get stuck with the next iphone game of the day... suffering in Christ is lost in our local context. honestly i myself am much more enthusiastic on getting married with my dear one... soon if God and our family allows...

before i even move to verse 12.. i think want to be clear about this. what is suffering for Christ? sharing his death ?

different translations:

"¹⁰[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [^[b]which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

¹¹That if possible I may attain to the [^[c]spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body]."- amplified

^10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it. - the message

i realise somethin. i think in one way or another.. suffering in Christ doesn't come directly. God doesn't want us to suffer :)

It is part of knowing God.

For my determined purpose is that I may know Him..

..and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing

..and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed

..be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself.

This relationship we have with God... is risky. Pastor Kong once said... it will cost you something. but in all that the power of God is there... the grace of God is there. He is there.

Knowing more about you..... fellowship with the things you went through.

I know i am not perfect. But i want to know the power of God that lies deep within all. What i am now.. where i am going .. the people i am facing.. the exams i am about to take... it all has to work and point towards something. God help me realise. i am willing to endure the cross. But please walk through this with me.

Bible Study - Ephesians chapter 4

Ephesians 4

Unity in the Body

¹ Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. ² Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ³ Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ⁴ For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. ⁵ There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, ⁶ and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all.

⁷ However, he has given each one of us a special gift^[a] through the generosity of Christ. ⁸ That is why the Scriptures say,

“When he ascended to the heights,
he led a crowd of captives
and gave gifts to his people.”^[b]

⁹ Notice that it says “he ascended.” This clearly means that Christ also descended to our lowly world.^{[c] 10} And the same one who descended is the one who ascended higher than all the heavens, so that he might fill the entire universe with himself.

¹¹ Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. ¹² Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. ¹³ This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ.

¹⁴ Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. ¹⁶ He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

Living as Children of Light

¹⁷ With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused. ¹⁸ Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him. ¹⁹ They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity.

²⁰ But that isn’t what you learned about Christ. ²¹ Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, ²²throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. ²³ Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. ²⁴ Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

²⁵ So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. ²⁶ And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.”^[d] Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

²⁸ If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need. ²⁹ Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

³⁰ And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own,^[e] guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. ³² Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

I have been feeling a little dry lately.. i want to get back to consistent studying the word of God. i read a commentary that Christian nowadays feed on Spiritual fast food - magazines, Christian commentaries, Christian music as their means of growing in the lord. The real depth of food is lacking ... which is from the reading of the word of God.

I think it's really easy. really easy to live the life the world enjoys. no responsibilities. no worries. carefree.

i have been hearing podcast... and i have been wondering alot of things. it's like singaporeans life is really really busy. Even for myself... doing the things that i want to do sometimes can be really hard... meeting people. playing guitar.. going out to meet J. to Jam, gg for mission trip/ helping out in community service.... really alot of things i want to do. sometimes i feel grieve that i move so slowly... and people around me are like - graduating.. able to meet friends and chill out at places. and then i see media... the youths from around the world.. they have the time to pursue something they are really interested in. it kinda makes me really sad.

but... today as i read the first part of this chapter... it reminded me of what PAstor Aries shared. there are many kinds of life out there. Even as Christians... there are different level of commitment.. different level of lifestyle.

Paul says " I...... a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God."

what is the most crucial thing isnt really what we do... or where we are. but we must know who we are and where we are going. i am really lost this few days. i feel that i lost my purpose and all.... and when u lose that... it's death. every part of you feel so dead. and you will begin to complain. and i did that.

The life of a christian. is. the life of a pilgrim.

As a CGL my role is

(to be)" the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. ¹² Their responsibility is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ."

i have been feeling so inadequate for years.

There are these things i need to do:

1)Be refreshed in the spirit

Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. ⁴ For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future

There can be no better rest than to lie in the sanctuary of the Holy Spirit.

2) Consecrate

Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, ²²throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.

The 2 greatest tool the devil use in the last days is founded in deception and offense. it's happening in our church. in our office. everywhere. but... it starts with the church. and when God disciplines... he will also start from the church.

Its important for me to set myself apart in this area.

- sleep early. ( no night terrors. at night u tend to think alot of funny things)

- filter the media you watch

- keep a open and transparent life.

3) Be filled with the Word of God

" Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy..."

i feel there can be 2 extremes of christianity. Those who do alot.. and are wrap in the cycle of doing and doing... but losing their holiness... their relationship with God. The other extreme is those who are so filled with the word of God.. but they are lazy.. unwilling to serve. They talk the talk but cannot walk the walk.

I want to find a balance between both. it should start with an inward filling. and wolverine once said the best defence is offence. To stop yourself from falling into a 'worldly lifestyle .. or be confused by it'... you attack the spirit realm with the word of God- the sword of the spirit.

I know i am not perfect. i seem to make so many disappointed at times. i often feel i cannot get things right the first time. i have to step on someone's toes at least once..... before i can make right my rln with that person.

But i shall live with wisdom! Now is the time to know and do what i need to do. i have 3 more hours to study my econs before service start. :) i shall chiong

Feeling stress over exam...

I'm afraid I will fail my exams.. :(

I need your grace.... :(

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

so tired

just doesnt seem to have enough time...... to do things.

lately... have felt alittle void... like lack of human interactions ?

feel fruitless too.... i dont know. wished i had more time to go visit members or something.

there must be a reson i am in where i am now. like a season thing.

but i just cant understand what i am in now.... and i feel so sian studying and working.

i need strength,

remembering...

i su*k at memory work.... seriously ... i feel quite lousy about myself sometimes because of that.

but its ok.. i shall remain positive. i am probably not remembering things the right way...

Well today..... i looked through my past emails with bb before we dated. we spend really alot of time talking to one another. the conversations.. half the time are silly.... half the time are serious... but reading it brings smiles to my face...

i re-read a description that i made of her to someone in an email -

"Even tho I din go thru the same thing… but I just feel painful seeing her like that. For me .. it even became very hard to sing a praise song for God… but thank God… I got to talk to her. So we spent awhile talking… and I am really encouraged by her even thru the conversation. She showed such deep level of empathy for people… and this part of her reminds me of Sun. I told her I believe God will make her stronger through this period and this ‘emotions’ she goes thru .. to me… is a gift from God. She just needs to develop it and evolve it to something stronger and bigger. So that when she meets people with deep hurt.. she can show them the courage to be strong even when they are hurt. I told her next time she is going to wake in the middle of the night and counsel people in the bathroom… and be able to feel the pain but still counsel them and encourage them(just like Sun when Ps Kong sleeps)… because people knows the kind of compassionate heart she has."

i feel happy reading this.. this is the girl i know... and i fell in love with. a lady with compassion and humility in her heart.

She never retaliates.... when we have like a squabble... i can get upset.... but when she gets upset .. i became upset with myself. It's like what Elder He said... you will begin to wonder why were you angry with her in the first place...

I don't remember her being angry with me........ maybe that one time... but she really doesnt angry with me. maybe just upset and disappointed sometimes at my childishness... i am grateful for that.

she never argues with me on the rights and wrongs.... at the end... she always ends of with a note - it doesn't matter. lets move on. after all is said and done... we both understoood we love each other. and that's the most important thing of all...

i decide to make an effort to put into heart the things that matter... :) revisiting my first love.. haha

here are the reasons why i fell in love with her..

1) she is funny.... really dramatic

"hellos mr ng chee guan! (:

miss chua xiu wen, being her very efficient self, has finished all the work that needs to be done in the office! hurhurhur.

*plays majestic song in the backgroud* wahaha. "

2) She sings really well.

(i think someday she will be at the stage... actually coupled with point one... she has stage presence... so i think its a matter of time she will get comfortable with the stage and the audience... ) :) part of me is eager to see her on the stage.. part of me hopes she wont forget me when she gets up there..

3) She is really sweet. and pretty :)

All guys... are .... "this" practical. i think i need to buff up to protect her... pretty girls are usuallly vulnerable? yea..

4) she carries a great love for people..

yea... this is one of the deep things i like about people. i was a tough nut... but she crack it open years ago.... and we began to grow in friendship then on... she loves

Well 6 months plus in the relationship... i know better that she isnt perfect. but the thing i really appreciate most is .... that she loves me for who i am.

you know ... i haven't done things well. no... i feel that sometimes i can really behave carnally. i have a very selfish mindset..... and i think sometimes because i do what i feel.. i hurt people around me... till this day i am still regretting some of my actions..

I heard thru a podcasttoday.. its better to live a life that you have done what you can do.... then to live a life of regret..

having said all this ... i began to recall the things we said before we got attached...

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

these words... :( really bite my heart.

God.. i cant do this without you. i need you to become a man like this..

tiring but....

wow... today went to many places!!

from bb plc -> wedding -> bb plc -> attributes bk store -> CHC svc :) -> ion orchard -> changi chalet... and im back home!

literally i think i went with bb from one end to the other.

i think at the earlier part of the day... i was alittle >:O ... but till the end .. i am more :) and :P

that means: it's a day well spent!

thank God for today.

Chat with ben

What I take home tonight: putting the word of God at the highest priority.

Today we had fellowship Cg. Well half the time I weirdly felt out of place. It's a sick weird feeling that lingers in me.. A fear that I will make conversation and people will look at you and say .. Huh... what are u talking about? You are so weird.

Back in camp .. These 2 weeks.. Honestly such stigma exist. I will prefer to hide in my own shell.. And not let someone know who I am really like.. Lest they jeer and make fun of me...

Yet I know in my heart.. All this is cool. This is how we make friends.. We lighten things up.. And in that we enjoy each other...

Strangely.. I haven't felt that in awhile. And when I can successfully enter into a conversation where people accepts the things I say.. I feel accepted in the group. (Goffman's theory in social psychology)

Well... Back to where I was saying.. Today's fellowship is great. Laughters. Great food. Abit disappointed in the lack of participation in some members tho... But still the enthusiasm and support given by everyone-- in one way or another. I appraiser that.

One thing I always asked myself is.. Why do we come for Cg? Has the Cg environment changed to be just another social gathering?

I chatted w ben.. And man I am so happy to see how much wisdom he has grown to be... He mentioned great leaders like Siqi and Elaine who led with discipline.. And Cg being long is never an issue. What's most impt is all of us are hungry for the word... He says the people..... At the end of the day isthe people...

I feel at the end of the day.. It's not he people. It's really God. One thing through all the things we spoke... I realize that how serious we are with the word of God... Really determines how powerful and solid a meeting will be. Ben said many times.. Respect.. Honor .. The word of God...

I think .. This is God telling me another time.. Spend more time in the Word..

;) I am happy we chatted over that. Let this conversation be a spark for me to invest in the Word. And I hope to see a wildfire.. A people thirsty for the word every meeting. That is a sweet image indeed..

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Meeting Terence

havent been blogging for quite awhile.

just want to say... Praise the lord :) ... with my new laptop.. typing is made so much easier.... i can also resume blogging!! :) yes!

Today i was released early from camp! actually it's really by the grace of God... coming to this ICT... i not only can take a break from my work.... i get allowance.. and my company still pays me.....

my reservist is like an unofficial break from normal work - study routine. And i get to go home early on certain days :) how sweet is that??

Thank God for it really!

Today ... I was hunting for a MSG bible for my friend "VT" ... from this shop in peopls park near my estate... Trust bookstore. I must say i am beginning to appreciate the shop owner more and more.

He always leave me with a very 'welcome' feeling when i enter his shop. And one thing about him that every patrons will experience... His very explicit display for his love of God! He talk about Jesus likes his best friend next door. Always quoting scriptures after scriptures...

so here was i entering the shop to look for the bible.... the shop in itself... is a humble establishment. They do not have latest 'this or that' kinda stuff. Or the most beautiful display of books and cds like in most modern kind of Christian bookstores.... But the love of God can be felt when you enter. Bright smiles from the owner... asking how is your day.... they proudly display what they have been listening to recently... and what they are doing everyday ( reading the word of God... attending leadership classes and bible studies after bible studies... ) When his favourite music plays.. - Don Moen's God will make a way.. He sings unashamedly ... loudly... the lyrics. covering every stanza with his gratitude towards God. Honestly.. i have not met a person as bold... as daring.. as outspoken... as him.

He has a lovely wife too ... who sometimes tend to the shop. They both smile at me everytime they see me....

Today he spoke to me about the word of God.... and he asked me 2 pretty interesting questions..

Who is Jesus to you ? I ask many people this... so can u share with me who is Jesus to you ?

i told him the person i know of. he is my best friend. someone i can turn to always without fail... who listens to me and loves me no matter what.

He says ... there is no right and wrong to such a question. many people he asked gave answers like these too.... My saviour .. my king... my comforter... my lord... But the most important thing is do you have a relationship with him ?

:) wow......

He followed to tell me he met Jehovah witness... people who tell him that Jesus is not God....He is just the son of God... and he boldly pointed out array of verses (which really tells me how much he loves the word of God!) "If they really are not convinced... read John 1:1. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

Next he asked me what is sabbath day ?

i told him honestly... i know little about the subject on sabbath. So i do not know.... So he told me luckily i did not say sabbath is sunday like most conventional Christians... Sabbath is actually a period between fri evening - sat evening..... but having said that... Jesus also say he is the lord of the sabbath. We cannot use sabbath to judge people .. and say they shouldn't work. Because Jesus also performed miracles on sabbath.... Apparently we haven't really arrive a conclusion on what is sabbath day all about. But through the conversation ... i was reminded.... Observe the Sabbath... and keep it holy. It really arouse the curiousity inside of me on this subject.

Talking to a man like Terence... I feel God was reminding on a call he place in the beginning of the year.... that i am still not doing rightly. " Set aside some time each day... study the word of God. Know me as i am known."

He sang the song... God will make a way... and keep reiterating... My soul is thirsty.. you got to be thirsty.... or else you will be drained one day.

You know..... its one thing to know the word of God and flaunt it infront of other. so far i haven't really met people who flaunt it la... but i am really fortunate to meet a guy like Terence. a man burning with the thirst of God. No plans or agenda. just a message to tell me... read the word of God even more..

"trust and obey" there is no other way..

I realise that trust.... as beautiful and magnificent as it may sound.. It is built on something solid. It is build on the life of a person. On Jesus. His words is his life. That is why the bible is so powerful...

I also realise we can obey..... and never began to trust. Never believed. an obligatory way of performing things. but no conviction to carry it through.

i am not so sure can we trust but do not obey? but i think if we really trust in the lord. obedience becomes natural.

But one thing i am sure... amongst all the thought provoking stuff that i experienced.... i am glad i met Terence. He is not from city harvest... but he tells me he does not believe in the negative reports. He knows everyone ultimately can only answer to God..... The best thing a christian can do... is to love one another. by this all men shall know we are his disciples..

amen to that. :)