think its been awhile i blog.
i feel quite twisted on the inside. like something is twisting my heart around. i cant fathom why.
it is depressing me.
yea. be a man. thicken it out.
why cant i just get this feeling out of me. :( or is hardening my heart the way ?
God.... :(
when is shower. i thought about today being Father's day. today being the day we thank our Father for all that he has done.... or just simply letting know we love him.
i began to think about what i remember about fatherhood.... i really dont think i can remember anything. i have many foster parents i guess. my grandma's children ( or my dad's unmarried brothers and sisters) stayed with me when i was young. i guess i was at the centre of the attention among them. they cane me. fed me. clothed me. and sometimes i wonder why i was born in such a messy place. i think alot when i was young. i thouight of how many times i am to plan my escape from this house and never come back. but i never have the courage to run away.
so i did the opposite i guess..... . i hide. hide away from people. from feelings. i do not want to show any vulnerabilities.. i must succeed in all the things i do. so that i can be accepted. eventually it all becomes meaningless. because they all left. now in this home at night. my ah ma.. and me lives. and 2 uncles still that i never really talk to since they are back only at wee-hours.
i began to wonder where is my father? do i ever have a father? what is a father? whats all the buzz about father and sermon about man and dad where i dont see a real good dad in my life.
what is a father ?
how does he look like ?'
abba father ?
So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”
even as i write this. i feel miserable. i dont even feel like talking to a soul about this. nobody understand this.
i will choose just to listen to the Lord. and cling onto this verse as i sleep.
happy fathers day.
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