Reflections

Dear God..

my heart is exeedingly sorrowful. i just feel i really need a breakthrough in my life. I really love this person alot.

can you imagine that time and time again you keep hurting the same person u love .. the person that love you.

i just really feel like a jerk

i just read through an email she wrote when we were first really getting to know each other.

on 3 August.. she wrote this statement

"yea, so like what i was sharing, i really hope to have a man in my life, who can really take care of me. who loves me and supports me, and understanding towards how i feel and make me feel fulfilled as a woman. where my life is really maximised. where being in a relationship is really a blessing to each other and not a pain or agony. i know there are no perfect relationships, but, it's like, on a whole, the relationship will feel more blissful than painful... you know what i mean? really hope to have a guy who really has a heart for God. who loves God, who serves Him with all his heart, yet still love the people around him."

God please help me

when i read that i keep weeping..

because i am not that man in the email. i am not. :(

i felt i led her on.... i made her believe i am that man.. but time and time again i became selfish and insecure.... i dont just hurt myself... but i i kept hurting her.

it hurts me. i just dont know what else i can do... .

August 2nd.

i wrote

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

Dear God. can i really be a man like this ?

i can. but God how?

please help me God