i am going to do abit of homework today.
to create a list of the unhealthy habits and thought life.
i notice a certain pattern of childish intepretations of what others are doing that makes me feel lousy.. or possibly angry with myself.
1) When talking to a person - if she looks around halfway and look at something more interesting that what i am talking.... i will feel that my words are boring. my conversation is not engaging.
result: i will feel frustrated w myself. and angry at the other party not paying attention.
verdict: i think its silly. i am used to being the centre of attention when i am young in primary school. when i mature... suddenly all that attention is lost... as my uncles and auntie move house. i began to feel insecure cos i am not making connections with people the way i used to do.
now how do i go about solving this? rewiring my mind helps?
i need a word from the bible.
2) when i speak to someone... and the person doesnt reply. it gets on me.... you see i dont know why i am so particular on all this eeny meeny things. these are all pretty what girls will be sensitive about right? but i care. and i dont know why i care but i just did. and it cause me this frustration.
result: am i speaking to softly? or i asked something silly? should i pretend nothing happen and just continue doing what i previously left off? should i talk louder and re-ask what i was talking? am i asking question that is not making sense?
verdict: i think alot. almost too much for that particular instance. i usually pretend nothing happens and continue on. but at the back of mind i still think.. what is wrong with me? i see others making fluid conversations.. but i cant even sustain a question.
what i hear people telling me: dont think you have something wrong with you. we are different.. but all still pretty much the same. we are all humans with flaws. (or) you putting too much thots in ya conversations. it should always be natural... to much planning in a sense makes the conversation unnatural.
what should i do: i need to have peace of God. i hunger for meaningful conversations. but probably 99% of time wont happen the way i want it to be. so..... just at that point... i need to know it's ok if i dont make my point across. ultimately God listens to my every thought.. my ever word. i need to know i dont need to feel alone in any circumstance. He is with me. if no one understands what i am saying.. i am sure they will one day when i can express myself better.
right now i need a word for this.
meanwhile to cope with my low self-esteem.. i have these plans
i know i cant rush. i cant rush what you can do in my heart
but what i can do is the following.
Seek Pastor Aries for prayer and counselling. most prob with Xiuwen
- Learn from Ryan what it means to be a man that maximise his wife;s womanhood.
- learn from Dad how to be a family man. and appreciate family time more. possibly learn how to bridge back the gap that was torn with my relatives
- Speak to Elaine on Saturday and ask her to lay hands on me. Ask her for advice from how she sees our relationship.. what areas i can improve.
speaking to them... i may expect to receive many constructive criticisms that will hit my heart.
but to grow my child in me to be a man. i need to do whatever it takes..
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