Thoughts

I have been thinking. After opening up this blog to 3 leaders... it is alittle much less personal now. But that's okay since they are my leaders. They are my covering. That is why i understant my need to account. For now i am under another leader - Xiu wen. She wants to get into my life ... but i am not letting her in. She said its ok and she will not compel me. And she will wait for me to respond to her again.



Why am i doing this ?



What am i becoming?




I don't want to shut her off. I mean she has been a great partner when we were helpers in the past. We shared alot of our burdens together. We prayed alot together... After she left w143, i was very upset. But weeks later, i realise she is different. She tells me that i can confide with her. I told her i am different from her. She asked me twice on seperate occasion what's the difference.... and i did not reply her. I guess this is one part no one will understand. I am different from others. It goes beyond our personality, interests, wants and needs. In short the difference has nothing to do with our genetic make-up in being who we we are. Its just me and everyone in the cg. We are different. We will lead different lives. I am not certain where mine will go. I am not certain the friends that will be following me there. And possible the worst thing in this period is to hurt or lose some precious friends that i shut off deliberately. That is something i hate to do. But i realise unless i learn the value of each friend in my life ... i can't move on. The friends that i place such high esteem in are just not suitable for that level. They aren't as special as i hope they would become. It becomes hard after that. I find it hard to connect to the people i thought i knew. I tried. In army.... in cg .... to get into their lives and everything. And sometimes it gets discouraging because nobody understand i am trying. At one part i gave up and ran away from cg. It was at a pretty grim period of my life. I admit i was pretty self-centred at that time. And it is probably wiser to move on from lookin at myself to looking at God. But the fact is no one was there. No one. I still love God. I think they thought i was backsliding. I wasn't. But spiritually i wasn't doing good either. So all the things about self-esteem, confidence, mature thinking, being strong that Cheryl spoke to me about... yea they are all true. They are necessary and relevant to a certain extent.


Right now, I have to find the right circle of friends. The right ones. Not just any nice caring little friend. But one that i can connect to. I feel that sometimes i ain't myself. But i tell myself i need to be mature. I need to really find friends. Not just members. Yea i mean they can be good companions. But i want friends. I want good friends. Just like Sis Florence told me lat night. We all needs friends to hold us up sometimes in our walk. I tried to deny the need of friends many times but failed. These relationships are important. Ineed friends which holds the right values in life as Ps Robb Thompson always emphasised. Most importantly friends that love God. And friends that i know that i know will be my friends forever.



Holy spirit please help me and lead me in this. If I've done anything wrong ... convict me. I don't want to have mediocre people in my lives. I truly want to know what friends are for. and what's the meaning of the people you have place in my life. what they really are. I know that you know i do not just want activity partners ... where all we do and talk is about the activity we do. and when the interest disappears, so do they. But nonetheless .. maybe all this are just not in your will. Maybe i understand too little and act foolishly. Maybe i might lose more than i thought. But God, do show me more the meaning of relationships. Let thy will be done. Thank you lord..


Wen, i am letting you read this too now cos yr my leader and somehow i feel i need to let you know.. I know your concern about me.... I want you to know that i treasure you very much ... but there are some things i dunno how to explain properly to you ... and i don't want to say unnecessary things that hurt people around me. So i just wanna do and try...