]Day 2 - You're not here by accident.
Isaiah 44:2 I am Your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born.
God doesn't play dice - Albet Einstein.
No one's here by chance. That was our school motto back at my College days. I wasn't created by accident. Or so much i would like to believe that way. I mean look at the world.... it speaks otherwise. We have parents that forsake their kids. We have kids born differently and suffer under the eyes of criticism of others. Kids born in warzone. In poverty and uncertainity. Something that i know my human eyes and wisdom cannot fathom. I don't understand God. And just as Ps Sy puts it once .... " How can you God allow your precious creation to fall that way ? " Have you no mercy or love for these people?
How much can we say or stand for them? It's easy to say all these words and put the blame on God. But i know better not to. Ps Sy mentioned before that Faith is trusting God when the world gives you reasons not to. On what basis do i trust God? The best evidence has to be His love. and its still something i am still struggling with. Without love, i think life has no purpose at all. It will be too much an ugly world.
Ps Kong shared about our pre-existence in God's mind before the world was made. Before the foundations of Earth was laid, God was 'pregnant' with the thoughts and plans of our lives. Our every detail, down to the very molecular and cellular level was pre-determined. Ps 139:15 says He knows me inside and out, every bone in my body, and how i was made. every bit of it. I was sculpted from nothing into something. (paraphrased from Msg translation) And i do believe so He did.
But well, since young i have hated myself. I have despised my very existence ... feeling i was meaningless. It's quite a sad thought for a child.. being pessimistic and all. I don't understand alot of things when i'm young. And i grew up quietly keeping everything to myself. Its especially hard to open up when no one has time to listen to your simple distress. There will be days i long to run away from home. and days i will just cry buckets and feel suicidal. The only thing stopping me then was my fear of heights and probably the pain i will get from a suicide attempt. It sounds kind of crazy. Mom says this is all a mockery to God. And it wasn't true because God loves me. I know it is true. But there can still be days i really doubt God. Doubt everything about Him. His character and existence.
We don't live by feelings alone but more of in His truth. And his truth is said to set you free. (John 8:22). I often wonder how powerful is that statement ? What exactly does the truth set me from ? The bondages from the devil? The lies and deceits? The oppression ? The worldly life? I need to know more.
I still struggle alot with my self-image. Every part of me. Even after years as a Christian, or more accurately speaking after 3 years as a born-again Christian.. a part of me still feels inferior, or lowly about myself. I will still have tendency to feel fearful to speak to others. I really don't know why. Probably more of the devil's work. I still remember how much i want to enjoy the days of my life ... especially as i pursue excellence and my purpose and dreams. Its all hard to live that out. Or even jus praise God in our dark times. i remembered that sacrifice of praise now. That is what it's called. I knelt down and cried before God, giving him praise even though i never felt like it.
Maybe its time to do that again.
God thank you for making me.
You are soverign in every way and righteous and Holy.
It's not mine to judge your goodness.
Nor mine responsibility to evaluate the extent of your love.
For you are love. You said you love. and then it is shown on the cross.
I could probably never understand the rationale of your works.
But i know you are my God, my Father and love.
And i love you Jesus.
All glory and praise to you Lord.
for all that you've done and will do.
Hallelujah!
end of day 2.
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