Reflection

[ mood : ]





Well it is my late entries are all quite groomy lately... and well the less motivation these days leads to the lack of updates.



it is almost a month since i ORD and it sure is different feeling to be this free after 2 years in NSSC. And well i guess i need to pen down some thoughts of reflection once in a while.



Last few weeks has been alittle crazy. I can't explain it well but i move away from all de ones i care about for quite a period of time. I just want to stay alone for awhile. To think. To make sense of my life and what i should be doing in the future. And well it isn't as good as it sounds of course. I was struggling very much on the inside. and many times i doubt the revelance of having relationships and ties. I doubt on success. I doubt on my capacity. I doubt on my friends. and worst of all .. i doubt on God. I can't make sense of my continual existence here when everything seems so meaningless for a while. kinda foolish huh ?



Someday i hope to look back to see myself outgrow these mess. and i can smile back and say once and for all it's nothing. That everything happens really for a reason. Despite my fall, i am happy i found back something that was lost for what seems like eternity? ... the Peace of God. His comfort seems all so out of reach until i settle down my heart and my head.



I missed CG and service. I thought i coun't connect to any of my friends from my cell group at all. I thought i couldn't move on together with the visions of my cg. So that day i ran away and bitterness follows me wherever i go. and its so miserable. I can't go back. Perhaps I don't want to. and i don't know how to. Mom said i hurt many people in my hide. And honestly i don't want to.. I don't know how to express myself sometimes but i was getting annoyed at some point. And then fustrated. Perhaps this is all a part of me i have to deal with.



I used to tell my younger friends our teenage life are so much like the most important phase of our lives. Its where we decide how we would to be in the future. The choices are the fundamentals that stack our future. And without hope there is no future. And there i was stranded in the mess of my choices. How do i breakthrough ? How do i walk on with God ? How do i just get it all right ? I am just lost.


and so much for my past few weeks. Its now de present that i need to deal properly with. I can't go back. I have run far enough.... I miss home. So may my next reflection be something brighter.



Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes."


Lord i believe.. Help my unbelief!