day in pain

^9-10 Jabez was a better man than his brothers, a man of honor. His mother had named him Jabez (Oh, the pain!), saying, "A painful birth! I bore him in great pain!" Jabez prayed to the God of Israel: "Bless me, O bless me! Give me land, large tracts of land. And provide your personal protection—don't let evil hurt me." God gave him what he asked.

Dear God... i have forgotten this pain. this pain caused by rheumatamoid arthritis. the pain that stills away your locomotions.

everything i do just takes double or triple the time. and the pain falls on my right wrist... means everything i do has to be done on my left hand. brushing of teeth, cooking my noodles, bsthing .. even typing.

i used to feel alot of self pity.. now i just am so irritated by this. cooking a bowl of noodles takes so much more time now... and guess what.. my left hand slip and everything fell over.

God i cant help but think is there a future for me... how can i take care of people when i have this burden over me... will i be like this forever?

God like Jabez prayed ... life wasnt easy when he start out. he must have been called many names. he must have been so discouraged at times. he must have felt worthless or hopeless... but he put his trust in u and prayed.

likewise.. extend my tent .. my capacity to do great things .. my tolerance for pain

protect me from harm... from any evil, hopeless.. self-pity negative thoughts

keep me from evil... i dont need any form of relieft but that which comes from you. you are my refuge..

and bless me oh Lord... empower me with your grace that i will not be a person that cause pain. my name means healer. and i shall indeed be what it says.

so Jabez in heaven.. if God can do it for you.. He can do it for me.

God please heal me... this pain is awful..

The list

God...

i am going to do abit of homework today.

to create a list of the unhealthy habits and thought life.

i notice a certain pattern of childish intepretations of what others are doing that makes me feel lousy.. or possibly angry with myself.

1) When talking to a person - if she looks around halfway and look at something more interesting that what i am talking.... i will feel that my words are boring. my conversation is not engaging.

result: i will feel frustrated w myself. and angry at the other party not paying attention.

verdict: i think its silly. i am used to being the centre of attention when i am young in primary school. when i mature... suddenly all that attention is lost... as my uncles and auntie move house. i began to feel insecure cos i am not making connections with people the way i used to do.

now how do i go about solving this? rewiring my mind helps?

i need a word from the bible.

2) when i speak to someone... and the person doesnt reply. it gets on me.... you see i dont know why i am so particular on all this eeny meeny things. these are all pretty what girls will be sensitive about right? but i care. and i dont know why i care but i just did. and it cause me this frustration.

result: am i speaking to softly? or i asked something silly? should i pretend nothing happen and just continue doing what i previously left off? should i talk louder and re-ask what i was talking? am i asking question that is not making sense?

verdict: i think alot. almost too much for that particular instance. i usually pretend nothing happens and continue on. but at the back of mind i still think.. what is wrong with me? i see others making fluid conversations.. but i cant even sustain a question.

what i hear people telling me: dont think you have something wrong with you. we are different.. but all still pretty much the same. we are all humans with flaws. (or) you putting too much thots in ya conversations. it should always be natural... to much planning in a sense makes the conversation unnatural.

what should i do: i need to have peace of God. i hunger for meaningful conversations. but probably 99% of time wont happen the way i want it to be. so..... just at that point... i need to know it's ok if i dont make my point across. ultimately God listens to my every thought.. my ever word. i need to know i dont need to feel alone in any circumstance. He is with me. if no one understands what i am saying.. i am sure they will one day when i can express myself better.

right now i need a word for this.

---

meanwhile to cope with my low self-esteem.. i have these plans

i know i cant rush. i cant rush what you can do in my heart

but what i can do is the following.

Seek Pastor Aries for prayer and counselling. most prob with Xiuwen

- Learn from Ryan what it means to be a man that maximise his wife;s womanhood.

- learn from Dad how to be a family man. and appreciate family time more. possibly learn how to bridge back the gap that was torn with my relatives

- Speak to Elaine on Saturday and ask her to lay hands on me. Ask her for advice from how she sees our relationship.. what areas i can improve.

speaking to them... i may expect to receive many constructive criticisms that will hit my heart.

but to grow my child in me to be a man. i need to do whatever it takes..

Reflections

Dear God..

my heart is exeedingly sorrowful. i just feel i really need a breakthrough in my life. I really love this person alot.

can you imagine that time and time again you keep hurting the same person u love .. the person that love you.

i just really feel like a jerk

i just read through an email she wrote when we were first really getting to know each other.

on 3 August.. she wrote this statement

"yea, so like what i was sharing, i really hope to have a man in my life, who can really take care of me. who loves me and supports me, and understanding towards how i feel and make me feel fulfilled as a woman. where my life is really maximised. where being in a relationship is really a blessing to each other and not a pain or agony. i know there are no perfect relationships, but, it's like, on a whole, the relationship will feel more blissful than painful... you know what i mean? really hope to have a guy who really has a heart for God. who loves God, who serves Him with all his heart, yet still love the people around him."

God please help me

when i read that i keep weeping..

because i am not that man in the email. i am not. :(

i felt i led her on.... i made her believe i am that man.. but time and time again i became selfish and insecure.... i dont just hurt myself... but i i kept hurting her.

it hurts me. i just dont know what else i can do... .

August 2nd.

i wrote

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

Dear God. can i really be a man like this ?

i can. but God how?

please help me God

Low

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel like a mouse in this big big world. Im not sure if I am schizophrenic. Or I have another spirit that lives in me. I constantly feel I am useless.. And people don't deserve my time. When an attempt to strike conversation w someone failed.. And my colleagues can enjoy heart to conversation.. I will think there must be something wrong w me

When my frens graduate from their studies.. And I'm still studying,. I Will think there is something wrong with me.

With the recent episode w vic. And sometimes when members tell me me can't serve. They can't come Cg or service.. Cos they are doing assignment... I will think is it because there is something wrong w cell group or service? Or am I thinking too much.

I fell sick twice in these 2 weeks. Body is weak. I feel so weak.

God look at me. I have nothing to lead the people. No credentials. I am not a role model. Whats good in me? What's my strength? I feel so helpless now.

Hopeless. And I don't kow what to do. I don't know what is the next step to take..

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]