Victorious Living.

The day began greatly. :)














It ventures sadly midway. :(














And it ends perfectly. :)















= I ended up with mixed feelings as i type this entry. Its very unlikely and unusual for me to blog during the weekdays.



Morning begins brightly

I went to office with a happy heart. Woke up earlier than usual to eat so as to prepare for my 24 hours fast. My first time doing it and i can say it's really challenging. The day that i fast would be the day many people will bring food to the office. I guess my stomach has the unqiue ability to draw food to its presence whenever it feels like churning something...


Well everything began pretty well. We had our usual jokes and people around me kept on dreaming and proclaiming that they are going to ORD. The same usual day in NSSC.


I was asked twice that day by 2 different people on why i have make errors on my cases. Well truly its my fault. I always make error in my deferments because of the mountain of deferment workloads they give me. To clear them with efficiency is an uphill task. So i leave the checking to the Quality Assurance team. [ Tell me please why are they called the Quality Assurance Team?] What rubbish are they doing if they are not supposed to check and send off the cases ? Why go after me if someone is responsible for it ?


When one of the QA team said, i am making errors purposely. I think he is mad.
He should take over my job men.


I have not seen any other formation, division handling the same amount of workload that my team [9 Div] is doing. The files of deferment documents in the cupboard says it all. We got the largest collection of files. I have to squeeze time to send cases. Send during my breaks. Do over-time. What more are they expecting of me? I already promise myself to do everything to my best. And then now they shouldering burdens, pointing faults after faults at me.




When madam said she is going to fine me for making mistakes, i totally lost it. It really blew me off. From there, it adds to my feelings towards leadership in the Army. I totally look down on leadership in SAF. From BMT all the way until now, i have not seen a good leader yet. You can say i am expecting too much. Then look at what they are doing to me. And the rest. Everything i've done has gone unappreciated. And now i am going to be punished.



Commanding respect. Respecting Command [From Advertisements in the MRT station] What stupid SAF slogan is that? They should stop disgracing themselves. Respect is earned. Not commanded. You can't force respect. If so, it's all hypocrisy. I can give you all that great respect, but if you can't live up to the level of respect you expect me to give, then please go fly kite.




I am really tired. Tired of the leaders up there.
But you know what ? I am still going to respect them.




Not because of what they have done. Not because of who they are. But because i know what authority means. I know that i have to respect all authority. Because all authority comes from God. If i have accepted them as my leader, i have to respect them as one. And till now, I am still trying hard to do so.




I am not saying that all my leaders are meanies. They are actually all very nice people. I know they don't intend to see us suffer. But I feel very sad under such leadership. Its really tiring and painful. I would love to revamped the system. But under the obligation to suggest under the WITS suggestion system every month, i don't feel like i can produce much. With the mountains of work to do, my brain would be totally drained out. Its just sad. I can whine on but i know it does no good. I just feel tired.


Let me express and vent out my fustration here pls.
I just want to do that.




Miday starts.

I took my 1 hour lunch-break to go back to SAJC to collect my A-Level cert and testimonial. Since i am fasting today, i can do without lunch. Its just that i will not have anytime to sleep in the office and rest my mind.



As i walk down the path to my JC. I felt a tingling sensation. Memories flood my mind.
I've like walked down this sidewalk a thousand times. After hockey training. After event celebrations. After school ends. After mugging.

I am walking down that road one last time..


I do miss my JC. I don't really know what i am missing. But i miss it alot.


I drag my feet down the road to the foyer.


The security guard smiled at me.


I went straight into the office.


Past by the hall. Seems like its Block Test now. The hall is packed.


I spoke with the lady and collect my stuff.


Trotted off slowly.


my 1st 3 months 03S53 maths teacher caught up with me.


We chatted. I told her i am retaking my A's.


She said i do not have time.


I kept quiet.


She said I should seek help if needed.


I nodded.



After a short chat, we left. That's the only teacher i speak to. Probably the last too.
SAJC is moving next year. My old school will be gone by 2006.

I'll always remember that "I am not there by chance."
Once a saint. Always a saint.

My last shot of SAJC









I was disturbed when i left.









Her words left a spark in me. I do not have time










Horrible feelings began to sprout.











I will fail. Everything will fail. My plans will fail.











:(








I went back to the office and clear off all my cases. There are many nice people in NSSC. They pop by and comfort me and ask me why am i moody. I told them i am fine. I appreciate their dose of concern. I don't think you are busy-body. I like encouragements and comforts. It cheers me up alittle. But i just wish to be alone. So i did not share to anyone of you the true matter of the problem.





I am feeling burdened. Of my life ahead. That's the true reason why i am down the whole afternoon. Managing my A level studies and army work would be totally impossible. Unless i rely on His strength, I will be gone by now. And with the people who support me, i am doubly encouraged. That's why at times i feel so blessed.





Evening turns beautiful.

I walked by the rain, carrying my about-to-explode gym bag to YMCA. I've brought alot of things today and my poor bag had to endure the stress of the bulky materials and weight. My Victorious Living bible study is especially liberating..

Pastor Lilian really spoke words of encouragement into my life. Even if the topic doesn't seem to have direct relations or solutions to my case. Its just refreshing. At points of time, i am really lifted up from my problem.


She shared the story of Job in a very life-experiencing, wonderful way. It seems to tell me something. When everyone around fails me, when my situation drops beyond my control, when everything that can go wrong went wrong .. will i still praise Him ? Will I look beyond the problem? Surely its easy to say. But being overwhelmed by your situations, i wonder how Job did it.

She shared with us about her testimony overseas. How she lost a luggauge for not one or two but 3 days. With a video camera, expensive gifts and necessities inside. She could still smile her way through. Just when you things couldn't get worst, she was informed that her husband's car was accidentally knocked. There was a dent.


She remain happy all the while, trusting God that everything will turn out well. Its such a nice and sweet testimony. Eventually she got her lugguage back and it was trace all the way to Chicago. The amazing thing is she remain bright, happy and undefeated all this while. Leaning on Him. Trusting on him. It renewed my mind. I could do that.


She also shared how she got financial blessing when she seek Him first. Financial blessing according to her, is the easiest blessings you can have.


Her message was simple. We've all heard before. But her testimonies and her words touch my heart and mind constantly. It simply boost me and thrust me back towards His embrace. I was shouting " Where are u ... where are u" the whole afternoon. And there He was with me that night. Assuring me that He was with me always. His yoke is light. I felt liberated that night after exchanging load.









I love Him to bits.












And thanks for all the shower of concern.












I promise to return with a smile. I am not defeated yet.










I will live victoriously.