mental fortress

i am thinking about what i am thinking now...

im feeling alittle lousy right now...

this post shall not be a post where i beat myself up..

you know... i have heard about my real mom. my actual mom. my dad says she is crazy.... she once wanted to throw me out of a window when i was a baby.... from the way my dad tells it... she left us and ran away. she couldnt stand it.

i cannot understand this... and i am not so sure if i ever will. how a mom leaves his child behind ?

but what makes me wonder is...... was my mom sane. did she snapped because of something that happened..

and for me... will i follow after her footsteps? will i one day snapped like she did ? i dont know but its like a lingering thing in me...

sigh. i hope i am not crazy.

but i shall just remmeber this verse. ps91. those who dwell in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadows of the almighty. I will say of Him ... He is my refuge. and my strength. In Him i will trust.

tired

feel very tired. sigh.

i need to spend some time with God.

i dont know how to keep doing what i am doing now...

guitar class with Poh

just back from guitar class with Bro Poh.... man he's really a charismatic... funny.... but really annointed leader.

Well one thing he said really caught me in my gut..... that is that as a christian, we have to develop the gifts/talents God has given to us.

"be loyal to the crafts He gave you"

yea that's the word... and i think during this period of holiday.. i can easily spent it lazing aroud,,, playing games.... etc.. but somehow deep inside me.. i feel unfulfilled :( like something is really missing.

things i will really wanna improve... or really develop... these passions are my guitar! my photography!! and also to have more time-out with friends :) lots and lots of catching up to do.

but i feel this is also a season God is telling me to build momentum for the next half of the year. this free time will not go on forever. every day is still a precious day.

so a part of me says! :O

i want to go overseas!!!

i want to learn driving!!!

I want to buy new (bigger) clothes... -_-""

i want to build muscles and yea... buff up!!

i want to spend time w ah ma... dad, mom and uncle!

i want to visit my friends more.... spend more time... visit them. give BS

i want to OT too! to earn money and save for my future!!

there is just so many things i want to do! so many! soo soo many!!

i realise as a guy... yet again.. i dont have the habit of like going to play soccer... going for sports. its really weird. that doesnt really excite me. but keeping fit and looking good is important to me.. its funny.

so i guess... its back to my priorities and what season next is God gearing me up for ? that i need to know... before i position myself to have lots of fun!! while doing all these things.

sigh... thinking about all these things to do can be tiring..

what's my topic agian.. ahha yes! guitar class!

the bottomline that i want to say is....... i am inspired to make my guitar sing again. i want to play better :) out of stagnancy. back into injecting music into my soul... and making it good again. :) yes!

putting aside everything

its been such a long while...

spending a quiet sunday with you. just hearing from you.

im putting on hold every agenda... every plans that i always have at the back of my mind.. just a simple nice Sunday morning with You

God i just want thank you for being so good to me....

there is non greater than you.....

i struggle alot with my faith sometimes... in believing for things to come to past.

yesterday you told me its time... to trust in You again. You reminded me of your goodness.. how you transform a F student to a top student in class in my primary school. You did that again F - A in secondary school. and now.... i know you will do again.

what are failures before you God? In you we can expect great things. We can have vulnerable times... but our hope is in you.

ive long forgotten about my arthritis. growing up with it makes be believe i can never be a sportsman. growing up with it makes me feel inferior to all other guys out there. but yesterday you told me... its time to move out of your normality. expect a breakthrough. expect me to give you something greater... and keep on expecting.

2 images pop out of my mind... the woman with the issue of blood... crawling through the streets to touch the robe of Jesus. for that healing. she ernestly expects the healing. if i could just touch...... i will be healed.

and the woman who beg jesus to heal her daughter... she replied with faith.. .but even dogs eat the crumbs from their master's feet.

what great faith.

Heb 11:6 ..But without faith it is impossible to pleaseHim, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

You have always plans for us. plans of greatness. it is silly for a son to think he can only feed pigs his whole life when his father has plans for him to rule His kingdom and his land.

expand mindset or not. enlarge my faith or not.. my first step is really my Father loves me! and he will take away my dirty torn clothes... wash me clean .. put on the signet ring and sandals... and wrap me under his arms.. and say rule and reign with me.

That is my Father. He has always been waiting.

Thank you Father.

2 more days

To my first Econs paper.

The one I failed consecutively

The one that stands between my path of subject mastery.

I shall conquer u!

Now back to my abyss of mugnation at this so called NTU with my sidekick bunny baby.

I fastandfurious man will prevail!!

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]