Conversation w boss

A biannual review. Citi has this culture where we need to do some goal plotting. But this time it's different. The boss will seat w every staff and discuss about our goals.. Our areas to work on. Or on any feedback.

She said our big boss is happy that I'm more lively .. Seldom doze off in work when I change my seat to seat near my department colleagues (previously I seat far away from my dept due to com shortage)

Hearing this makes me happy.. But yet.. I can't help thinking inhale a weak body. I tried to sleep earlier but I still feel so tired at work. Sometimes I really don't know why. Just so tired.

When I'm out w frens.. I will get tired easily.....

:( and they are all upset of me because of that

I'm really frustrated over all these things...

Frustrated that I'm not being the head ... But Im being the tail.

Something is really wrong huh

Then my boss says I always give an image that I look blur or loss hen communicating w people. She knows I'm not.. But I always give people tha perception.. By my countenance and subtle reactions....

I really seek to improve what I can improve. :( but I want to e promoted! She says she is worried how well I can cope. Can I multitask. Will I get stress easily. Can I remember things better.

There was once I was having a bad flu. My female colleagues were pushing their pedestal.. And when I did not offer to help... They feedback to the boss I'm somehow rather passive.

Boss knows I'm in church and in community Svc. She knows I'm sick.

Somehow I could have still step out and offer help. Think the holy spirit nudge me. But seeing how some other colleague help. I think I am not needed

I seem to be underperforming in my work :( seem like I am giving lots of bad impression of myself..

But she gave me positive feedbacks too. On how I led huddle .. Is very natural. I engage the people well.

Thinking though all these things.. Honestly I feel discourage.

Thinking I can't bid for a house for Xiuwen makes me even more sad. If we can't bid soon.. Then when :(? When there are no more slots? And we have to wait past 2014? 2015? 2016?

I hope to have a house of my own.... W the woman I love.

Sometimes she is busy.... W so many things and so many people. When my school starts.. Will she have time for me..

Ok I'm gg to rant this out. End of rant

Now God.. These are things I need help in. Maybe I need to readjust my perspective alittle. Maybe I need to pray up and find strength to e able to face up to certain challenges.

I can only say lord... I wanna trust you, I know I have deep issues. But God can u please deliver me. Help me o see a breakthrough for every single prob here.

I can't shine as salt and light if I can't even take care of myself. Right God?

My heart pains. I don't know why... It just hurts so much when I think of all these things. I need you God :((

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

brother talk

these few days... been talking to brothers....

i thank God that i have more brotherly frriendships these year. at least mature christians whom have great heart... and also a very human soul. we laugh.. share our weakness... talk about our visions .. dreams and life ahead.

it is great fellowship w Alan and Wei Quan... and Jasper.

i pray that we will all grow in the Lord... and most importantly...

we live out our life according to God's plan for us. :) its really nice to rub off some manhood from each other...

inner struggles and Jesus

someone told me this week...

in life u can either complain and stay e same...

or u can work hard and believe in a change.

comes in pretty useful to me.

change. e only constant thing in life.

its also something i am learning to accept in my life.

changes in the lives of people around me. their circumstance. all our circumstance.... change.

but glory to God because he make all things new. and He makes all things well in line. for his ways .. his thoughts are higher.

well the actual issues are

i need to get over certain hurts that are etched in my heart. they are like broken glass stuck at a corner. everytime the wound is revisted.. it aches. and i know my God is pulling it out....

i know im sensitive guy.

and its really by his grace i can be able to be gracious i feel. if not i will prob explode on the inside.

I am not where i am supposed to be but thank God i am not the way i used to be... (Joyce Meyer)

and its a work in progress.

i keep blaming God this week for making me. There are just little things.... little little things that can make me sick out there. i just feel so weak sometimes.....

i know what this means when i make a statement like that. that .. its faithless? can be even downright insulting to God the maker ? but yet!! i need to come to an understanding on all this matter...

today God showed me again a verse on a deacon. an elder. a leader.

he showed me that a leader must be upright. 1 tim2,3 and Titus 2

he showed me in Gen 24 God always has a plan. a promise

He showed me faithfulness...

:( i cry unfair. and he says this is the way it has to be.

there is no other way... but to trust and obey.

the truth shines brighter. and one day all things will come to light