remembering...

i su*k at memory work.... seriously ... i feel quite lousy about myself sometimes because of that.

but its ok.. i shall remain positive. i am probably not remembering things the right way...

Well today..... i looked through my past emails with bb before we dated. we spend really alot of time talking to one another. the conversations.. half the time are silly.... half the time are serious... but reading it brings smiles to my face...

i re-read a description that i made of her to someone in an email -

"Even tho I din go thru the same thing… but I just feel painful seeing her like that. For me .. it even became very hard to sing a praise song for God… but thank God… I got to talk to her. So we spent awhile talking… and I am really encouraged by her even thru the conversation. She showed such deep level of empathy for people… and this part of her reminds me of Sun. I told her I believe God will make her stronger through this period and this ‘emotions’ she goes thru .. to me… is a gift from God. She just needs to develop it and evolve it to something stronger and bigger. So that when she meets people with deep hurt.. she can show them the courage to be strong even when they are hurt. I told her next time she is going to wake in the middle of the night and counsel people in the bathroom… and be able to feel the pain but still counsel them and encourage them(just like Sun when Ps Kong sleeps)… because people knows the kind of compassionate heart she has."

i feel happy reading this.. this is the girl i know... and i fell in love with. a lady with compassion and humility in her heart.

She never retaliates.... when we have like a squabble... i can get upset.... but when she gets upset .. i became upset with myself. It's like what Elder He said... you will begin to wonder why were you angry with her in the first place...

I don't remember her being angry with me........ maybe that one time... but she really doesnt angry with me. maybe just upset and disappointed sometimes at my childishness... i am grateful for that.

she never argues with me on the rights and wrongs.... at the end... she always ends of with a note - it doesn't matter. lets move on. after all is said and done... we both understoood we love each other. and that's the most important thing of all...

i decide to make an effort to put into heart the things that matter... :) revisiting my first love.. haha

here are the reasons why i fell in love with her..

1) she is funny.... really dramatic

"hellos mr ng chee guan! (:

miss chua xiu wen, being her very efficient self, has finished all the work that needs to be done in the office! hurhurhur.

*plays majestic song in the backgroud* wahaha. "

2) She sings really well.

(i think someday she will be at the stage... actually coupled with point one... she has stage presence... so i think its a matter of time she will get comfortable with the stage and the audience... ) :) part of me is eager to see her on the stage.. part of me hopes she wont forget me when she gets up there..

3) She is really sweet. and pretty :)

All guys... are .... "this" practical. i think i need to buff up to protect her... pretty girls are usuallly vulnerable? yea..

4) she carries a great love for people..

yea... this is one of the deep things i like about people. i was a tough nut... but she crack it open years ago.... and we began to grow in friendship then on... she loves

Well 6 months plus in the relationship... i know better that she isnt perfect. but the thing i really appreciate most is .... that she loves me for who i am.

you know ... i haven't done things well. no... i feel that sometimes i can really behave carnally. i have a very selfish mindset..... and i think sometimes because i do what i feel.. i hurt people around me... till this day i am still regretting some of my actions..

I heard thru a podcasttoday.. its better to live a life that you have done what you can do.... then to live a life of regret..

having said all this ... i began to recall the things we said before we got attached...

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

these words... :( really bite my heart.

God.. i cant do this without you. i need you to become a man like this..

tiring but....

wow... today went to many places!!

from bb plc -> wedding -> bb plc -> attributes bk store -> CHC svc :) -> ion orchard -> changi chalet... and im back home!

literally i think i went with bb from one end to the other.

i think at the earlier part of the day... i was alittle >:O ... but till the end .. i am more :) and :P

that means: it's a day well spent!

thank God for today.

Chat with ben

What I take home tonight: putting the word of God at the highest priority.

Today we had fellowship Cg. Well half the time I weirdly felt out of place. It's a sick weird feeling that lingers in me.. A fear that I will make conversation and people will look at you and say .. Huh... what are u talking about? You are so weird.

Back in camp .. These 2 weeks.. Honestly such stigma exist. I will prefer to hide in my own shell.. And not let someone know who I am really like.. Lest they jeer and make fun of me...

Yet I know in my heart.. All this is cool. This is how we make friends.. We lighten things up.. And in that we enjoy each other...

Strangely.. I haven't felt that in awhile. And when I can successfully enter into a conversation where people accepts the things I say.. I feel accepted in the group. (Goffman's theory in social psychology)

Well... Back to where I was saying.. Today's fellowship is great. Laughters. Great food. Abit disappointed in the lack of participation in some members tho... But still the enthusiasm and support given by everyone-- in one way or another. I appraiser that.

One thing I always asked myself is.. Why do we come for Cg? Has the Cg environment changed to be just another social gathering?

I chatted w ben.. And man I am so happy to see how much wisdom he has grown to be... He mentioned great leaders like Siqi and Elaine who led with discipline.. And Cg being long is never an issue. What's most impt is all of us are hungry for the word... He says the people..... At the end of the day isthe people...

I feel at the end of the day.. It's not he people. It's really God. One thing through all the things we spoke... I realize that how serious we are with the word of God... Really determines how powerful and solid a meeting will be. Ben said many times.. Respect.. Honor .. The word of God...

I think .. This is God telling me another time.. Spend more time in the Word..

;) I am happy we chatted over that. Let this conversation be a spark for me to invest in the Word. And I hope to see a wildfire.. A people thirsty for the word every meeting. That is a sweet image indeed..

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Meeting Terence

havent been blogging for quite awhile.

just want to say... Praise the lord :) ... with my new laptop.. typing is made so much easier.... i can also resume blogging!! :) yes!

Today i was released early from camp! actually it's really by the grace of God... coming to this ICT... i not only can take a break from my work.... i get allowance.. and my company still pays me.....

my reservist is like an unofficial break from normal work - study routine. And i get to go home early on certain days :) how sweet is that??

Thank God for it really!

Today ... I was hunting for a MSG bible for my friend "VT" ... from this shop in peopls park near my estate... Trust bookstore. I must say i am beginning to appreciate the shop owner more and more.

He always leave me with a very 'welcome' feeling when i enter his shop. And one thing about him that every patrons will experience... His very explicit display for his love of God! He talk about Jesus likes his best friend next door. Always quoting scriptures after scriptures...

so here was i entering the shop to look for the bible.... the shop in itself... is a humble establishment. They do not have latest 'this or that' kinda stuff. Or the most beautiful display of books and cds like in most modern kind of Christian bookstores.... But the love of God can be felt when you enter. Bright smiles from the owner... asking how is your day.... they proudly display what they have been listening to recently... and what they are doing everyday ( reading the word of God... attending leadership classes and bible studies after bible studies... ) When his favourite music plays.. - Don Moen's God will make a way.. He sings unashamedly ... loudly... the lyrics. covering every stanza with his gratitude towards God. Honestly.. i have not met a person as bold... as daring.. as outspoken... as him.

He has a lovely wife too ... who sometimes tend to the shop. They both smile at me everytime they see me....

Today he spoke to me about the word of God.... and he asked me 2 pretty interesting questions..

Who is Jesus to you ? I ask many people this... so can u share with me who is Jesus to you ?

i told him the person i know of. he is my best friend. someone i can turn to always without fail... who listens to me and loves me no matter what.

He says ... there is no right and wrong to such a question. many people he asked gave answers like these too.... My saviour .. my king... my comforter... my lord... But the most important thing is do you have a relationship with him ?

:) wow......

He followed to tell me he met Jehovah witness... people who tell him that Jesus is not God....He is just the son of God... and he boldly pointed out array of verses (which really tells me how much he loves the word of God!) "If they really are not convinced... read John 1:1. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

Next he asked me what is sabbath day ?

i told him honestly... i know little about the subject on sabbath. So i do not know.... So he told me luckily i did not say sabbath is sunday like most conventional Christians... Sabbath is actually a period between fri evening - sat evening..... but having said that... Jesus also say he is the lord of the sabbath. We cannot use sabbath to judge people .. and say they shouldn't work. Because Jesus also performed miracles on sabbath.... Apparently we haven't really arrive a conclusion on what is sabbath day all about. But through the conversation ... i was reminded.... Observe the Sabbath... and keep it holy. It really arouse the curiousity inside of me on this subject.

Talking to a man like Terence... I feel God was reminding on a call he place in the beginning of the year.... that i am still not doing rightly. " Set aside some time each day... study the word of God. Know me as i am known."

He sang the song... God will make a way... and keep reiterating... My soul is thirsty.. you got to be thirsty.... or else you will be drained one day.

You know..... its one thing to know the word of God and flaunt it infront of other. so far i haven't really met people who flaunt it la... but i am really fortunate to meet a guy like Terence. a man burning with the thirst of God. No plans or agenda. just a message to tell me... read the word of God even more..

"trust and obey" there is no other way..

I realise that trust.... as beautiful and magnificent as it may sound.. It is built on something solid. It is build on the life of a person. On Jesus. His words is his life. That is why the bible is so powerful...

I also realise we can obey..... and never began to trust. Never believed. an obligatory way of performing things. but no conviction to carry it through.

i am not so sure can we trust but do not obey? but i think if we really trust in the lord. obedience becomes natural.

But one thing i am sure... amongst all the thought provoking stuff that i experienced.... i am glad i met Terence. He is not from city harvest... but he tells me he does not believe in the negative reports. He knows everyone ultimately can only answer to God..... The best thing a christian can do... is to love one another. by this all men shall know we are his disciples..

amen to that. :)