From down under..

[ mood : ]







Well the last few days were pretty eventful! Spent most of my Christmas weekend in Church serving as usher and watched the play 5 times over. Well it just comes to a point their scripts autoplay in my mind ... The good news is my Dad and 2 bros accepted Christ!!! yea. I also brought rad and cool dude along and he wants me to bring him along next year again! looks like he enjoyed too..




The last few days of 2006 couldn't be worse. I felt knock-out of my journey. and its scary because the faith that i had hold on too every single day.. i just suddenly felt like giving it all up. My cg leaders says i am tired. My usher IC diagnosed me as of having depression. Well they are all very much right. The thing is - i don't really know what's the true problem. In my army camp, i felt like a single island in the pacific ocean. It's hard to get around when the gates of people around shuts down on you. At home, all is calm and good. my granny and I hardly talks. And sometimes in the night, i would desire to have more right people in my life that i can draw closer with. To be closer to my church-mates... my friends and even for my family members that i am trying to spend more time with.



I told my leaders 3 days ago i am really tired. Tired of sowing but not reaping. Tired of everything that goes on in my life. sometimes a million killing thoughts come into my mind and when people ask me about it ... i don't really know what to say. i felt lost week in and week out. And seeing my plans unfulfilled, my dreams not reached ...... ..... is just devastating. Seriously, i am quite afraid i can't get to any university or be able to further my studies. Seeing all my friends getting their ticket to their dream career makes me feel i am left out of something. Makes me feel like nothing. I'm going nowhere. I don't wish to digest these negative thoughts any further .. but these things ... this nonsence jus keeps coming back. I don't really have the strength to fight back. to continue..




Just when i feel like letting go... God pulled me back. really... and when i think about these last few days ... i've been trying so hard to run away. But truly i couldn't. I can't explain why but everytime i try to blame, put down myself or push away from everything ... i will feel a certain peace that calms me off. And everytime i feel i ain't worthy of his love, He'll send people to tell me that i am worthy of Him. It's quite amazing to serve such a God that can mind-read you anytime. The thing is this.. i can feel him moving around. Christians will tell you that this is the Holy Spirit. God simply doesn't want me to go.. and i know i ain't done with Him either.



I spend time to think about what my leaders, friends has said to me. Things like strength. The ability to be back up on your feet after your fallen-state. Things like the power of focus. The exponential magnifying glass that magnifies what you focus on. your problems or your victories-to-be. Things like love. Affirming yourself. caring others. Things like thanksgiving. Being grateful to every little thing that happen in your life. I got a camera from my uncle. 100 bucks for a belated bday gift ( i spent abt 30 bucks on my necessities alr since my bank account's left with 6 bucks) . Things like prayer. Rhema. vision. life to my spirit. Memories too. the joy that i used to have when i serve God and celebrate his goodness. Those things do look very small to me now since i haven been practising what i have learnt.



But well i can certainly start now.





Thanks to those who shower me with love and nice words. Stepping up isn't easy. But I'll be strong and try to be better day by day. :) love you all

Reflections.

[ mood : ]



This period .. i'm just feelin so fustrated you know. I just don't get what God is leading me now in this period. I feel God ... yet He seems quiet in my life nowadays. No Visions. No Revelations. It's pretty like winter now on the inside of me. :( cold. dead.


Dad spoke to me yesterday during the Women's meeting ( i was there helping as the guitarist ). I wasn't getting much of what he's saying... But something struck me on the inside ... where is Jesus's place in my heart? Is it above my ministry? Above my friends? my personal needs? No it isn't. Dad told me to get a break.. a break from everything that runs in my life. a break spent at the beach. I like that idea. The plans that i had to rise up has to start from God. I'm sorry but i promise to spend more time with you from today on. :)



Anyway guys... going to be water baptised this Sunday - 2p.m. ( yay finally a confirmed date. ) Hope my aunts and uncles and friends can be there to support me.



Why water-baptise now ?

Because Jason is no longer young. ( spotted many white hairs on my head! :P )

Because of my spiritual conviction in the last few months.

Because its an act of Faith to change. ( byebye old wineskin. Halo new Jason!)



I'm quite excited you know! got at least 4 of my friends that i know that will be getting baptised the same day as me!! yay! :) I'm so looking forward to it!




I love Christmas. Because of Him who came on that faithful day, i am where i am today..

Days ago.

This week is a pretty TIRING week!! With all the admin work .. follow-ups and call-ups (to those who actually answered my call) .. and meetins with my leaders.. sometimes it can grow really weary!


But i think it's all's great. I never felt so stretched.. so tired. Balancing my army work life in the day and making sure everything runs well in my cg and ministry by night is building up on my capacity and strength. And this i know very well prepares me for greater works in the future. Things that i know i will not break a sweat after my breakthrough :)


Tiredness aside .. there are some other thing that disturbs me this week that i've shared with 'Dad'. All through the week.. i feel funny around people. Well it's hard to explain this but .. I can't say the things that i wanna say to my friends. My mind goes blank at times when i work ... and .. even at times i get into the habit of mumbling my words out. or tongue-tied. it makes me feel like i'm going mad. there's a strong feelin of inadequacy running in me.


I am wondering if there's any part of me that's still maybe shutdown? Cos' the tendency of me staying away from people is jus unbelievably strong. Its like yesterday for eg.. when the ushers were fellowshipping wif me ... i will just feel like getting away from them. My heart is just not as excited as it used to be when we joke or talk about the hot~ things under the sun. It's weird. Do i have an inner child that is afriad of people? i dunno. I could only think of silly speculations right now :(


I think it's time to get back to be like Mary. It's great to serve God's people and my friends around me. But i feel like i am missin out the one thing that matter the most in my whole walk with my heavenly friend. It's time to spend more time with him.. everyday.



ok! i'm Typing this on my Sunday duty in camp. well will pray along wif u guys in church in my humble own way in camp :) Have fun!


regards :
Happy Bday Pascale! and belated bday to audrey! dun think they read my blog anyway but shall jus wish for fun =D