From down under..

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Well the last few days were pretty eventful! Spent most of my Christmas weekend in Church serving as usher and watched the play 5 times over. Well it just comes to a point their scripts autoplay in my mind ... The good news is my Dad and 2 bros accepted Christ!!! yea. I also brought rad and cool dude along and he wants me to bring him along next year again! looks like he enjoyed too..




The last few days of 2006 couldn't be worse. I felt knock-out of my journey. and its scary because the faith that i had hold on too every single day.. i just suddenly felt like giving it all up. My cg leaders says i am tired. My usher IC diagnosed me as of having depression. Well they are all very much right. The thing is - i don't really know what's the true problem. In my army camp, i felt like a single island in the pacific ocean. It's hard to get around when the gates of people around shuts down on you. At home, all is calm and good. my granny and I hardly talks. And sometimes in the night, i would desire to have more right people in my life that i can draw closer with. To be closer to my church-mates... my friends and even for my family members that i am trying to spend more time with.



I told my leaders 3 days ago i am really tired. Tired of sowing but not reaping. Tired of everything that goes on in my life. sometimes a million killing thoughts come into my mind and when people ask me about it ... i don't really know what to say. i felt lost week in and week out. And seeing my plans unfulfilled, my dreams not reached ...... ..... is just devastating. Seriously, i am quite afraid i can't get to any university or be able to further my studies. Seeing all my friends getting their ticket to their dream career makes me feel i am left out of something. Makes me feel like nothing. I'm going nowhere. I don't wish to digest these negative thoughts any further .. but these things ... this nonsence jus keeps coming back. I don't really have the strength to fight back. to continue..




Just when i feel like letting go... God pulled me back. really... and when i think about these last few days ... i've been trying so hard to run away. But truly i couldn't. I can't explain why but everytime i try to blame, put down myself or push away from everything ... i will feel a certain peace that calms me off. And everytime i feel i ain't worthy of his love, He'll send people to tell me that i am worthy of Him. It's quite amazing to serve such a God that can mind-read you anytime. The thing is this.. i can feel him moving around. Christians will tell you that this is the Holy Spirit. God simply doesn't want me to go.. and i know i ain't done with Him either.



I spend time to think about what my leaders, friends has said to me. Things like strength. The ability to be back up on your feet after your fallen-state. Things like the power of focus. The exponential magnifying glass that magnifies what you focus on. your problems or your victories-to-be. Things like love. Affirming yourself. caring others. Things like thanksgiving. Being grateful to every little thing that happen in your life. I got a camera from my uncle. 100 bucks for a belated bday gift ( i spent abt 30 bucks on my necessities alr since my bank account's left with 6 bucks) . Things like prayer. Rhema. vision. life to my spirit. Memories too. the joy that i used to have when i serve God and celebrate his goodness. Those things do look very small to me now since i haven been practising what i have learnt.



But well i can certainly start now.





Thanks to those who shower me with love and nice words. Stepping up isn't easy. But I'll be strong and try to be better day by day. :) love you all