Wrestling

But Jacob stayed behind by himself, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he couldn't get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob's hip out of joint. The man said, "Let me go; it's daybreak." Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me." The man said, "What's your name?" He answered, "Jacob." The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through." Jacob asked, "And what's your name?" The man said, "Why do you want to know my name?" And then, right then and there, he blessed him. Jacob named the place Peniel (God's Face) because, he said, "I saw God face-to-face and lived to tell the story!" The sun came up as he left Peniel, limping because of his hip. (This is why Israelites to this day don't eat the hip muscle; because Jacob's hip was thrown out of joint.) (Genesis 32:24-32 MSG)

God thank you for your word. Sometimes I really do feel like Jacob. I try to do my best... In the things I do... Often trying different methods to achieve it. After awhile I get tired.

Through the pas 2 weeks I have been really stressed. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me.  Particularly... Starting off with work. Feeling unfulfilled in my job.... Coupled w making silly mistakes... And getting scolded by a senior staff.. It made me feel really lousy about myself. I can still remember the anger I had over myself... For giving her so much trouble... And I was angry w her for being so demanding over me.

In retrospect... I have a tendency to take things really hard. A scolding to me will set me off in a chain of thinking and self evaluating,.. And instinctively- I draw back to my shell. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

This is not the first time.... But these signs have become a unhealthy stronghold in my life. A stronghold because many a times I feel helpless and alone in all this. I feel tired.

Tired of enduring the pain on my right hip bone. It seems like every step I take it aches.

Tired of my failures in work. In all that The last thing I want is to be a burden to anyone.

Tired of unfulfilled desires in my heart. I keep thinking about being a musician one day. Because that is what I love. I wish for more time that I can practise freely.

Tired of not being able to present a good report for my Cg. I guess I just want to do my zone leader proud. But I feel time tight.

Tired of not knowing how to meet the expectations of my family. They love to ask me about my studies. About my life. My job. What can I say to them? What should i say? It feels like they want me to produce some results before they could stop askin me all these questions.

Pressure. It's mounting on me.

I really crave for someone's understanding in what I go through. But I come to realize no one can fully understand this. And in understanding all this.. What can they offer me? Consolation? 

Maybe it's that support and encouragement i wish to get,

I am a human too. 

So today.. Typing all this out. I want to tell you GOD....  I want you to know I am doing my best. I want you to know that people always look with me.. I can see It in their eyes.. That expectation....

A breakthrough.

Xw told me I need a breakthrough in my mindset

E. told me I need to take this out w God

Xl told me I need to relax and trust God. It's not by might nor power.

Dad told me he understands mine struggles. And he told me I need to rest. And also seek God for strength.

God I am returning to bethel. 

It represents bread. The house of God.

Jacob. The supplanter.. I feel I am like him in many ways

The joint pain on my hip bone. When I read this.. It's like knowing... He knows what it feels like to have a limp.

God I need a breakthrough. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I am not letting u go until u give it to me.

God u got to give me something. Anything. Feel this void within me. And carry this burdens I have. I need a breakthrough.

Do u hear me God??????? I want it!!!!!!!!!