remembering...

i su*k at memory work.... seriously ... i feel quite lousy about myself sometimes because of that.

but its ok.. i shall remain positive. i am probably not remembering things the right way...

Well today..... i looked through my past emails with bb before we dated. we spend really alot of time talking to one another. the conversations.. half the time are silly.... half the time are serious... but reading it brings smiles to my face...

i re-read a description that i made of her to someone in an email -

"Even tho I din go thru the same thing… but I just feel painful seeing her like that. For me .. it even became very hard to sing a praise song for God… but thank God… I got to talk to her. So we spent awhile talking… and I am really encouraged by her even thru the conversation. She showed such deep level of empathy for people… and this part of her reminds me of Sun. I told her I believe God will make her stronger through this period and this ‘emotions’ she goes thru .. to me… is a gift from God. She just needs to develop it and evolve it to something stronger and bigger. So that when she meets people with deep hurt.. she can show them the courage to be strong even when they are hurt. I told her next time she is going to wake in the middle of the night and counsel people in the bathroom… and be able to feel the pain but still counsel them and encourage them(just like Sun when Ps Kong sleeps)… because people knows the kind of compassionate heart she has."

i feel happy reading this.. this is the girl i know... and i fell in love with. a lady with compassion and humility in her heart.

She never retaliates.... when we have like a squabble... i can get upset.... but when she gets upset .. i became upset with myself. It's like what Elder He said... you will begin to wonder why were you angry with her in the first place...

I don't remember her being angry with me........ maybe that one time... but she really doesnt angry with me. maybe just upset and disappointed sometimes at my childishness... i am grateful for that.

she never argues with me on the rights and wrongs.... at the end... she always ends of with a note - it doesn't matter. lets move on. after all is said and done... we both understoood we love each other. and that's the most important thing of all...

i decide to make an effort to put into heart the things that matter... :) revisiting my first love.. haha

here are the reasons why i fell in love with her..

1) she is funny.... really dramatic

"hellos mr ng chee guan! (:

miss chua xiu wen, being her very efficient self, has finished all the work that needs to be done in the office! hurhurhur.

*plays majestic song in the backgroud* wahaha. "

2) She sings really well.

(i think someday she will be at the stage... actually coupled with point one... she has stage presence... so i think its a matter of time she will get comfortable with the stage and the audience... ) :) part of me is eager to see her on the stage.. part of me hopes she wont forget me when she gets up there..

3) She is really sweet. and pretty :)

All guys... are .... "this" practical. i think i need to buff up to protect her... pretty girls are usuallly vulnerable? yea..

4) she carries a great love for people..

yea... this is one of the deep things i like about people. i was a tough nut... but she crack it open years ago.... and we began to grow in friendship then on... she loves

Well 6 months plus in the relationship... i know better that she isnt perfect. but the thing i really appreciate most is .... that she loves me for who i am.

you know ... i haven't done things well. no... i feel that sometimes i can really behave carnally. i have a very selfish mindset..... and i think sometimes because i do what i feel.. i hurt people around me... till this day i am still regretting some of my actions..

I heard thru a podcasttoday.. its better to live a life that you have done what you can do.... then to live a life of regret..

having said all this ... i began to recall the things we said before we got attached...

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

these words... :( really bite my heart.

God.. i cant do this without you. i need you to become a man like this..