Sad Sad world.

[ personal ramblings ]





this might be my very very last entry before my A's.






well why am i back here?






i should damn well be studying... but i just want to pen down .. or type down this thoughts.







I am a real cry baby. I am just another silly boy.








Have you often wonder why should you live on ... on this world? For what reason should our existence be maintained?








I've wondered about this at least a thousand times....







I don't know what came upon me today. But i got reminded of my painful past again. i was really unable ...







I was so hurt today. Who in this world ever care?








I gave up hope on humans long ago. That's why Jesus is my only truest friend.









But i'm glad to say i have not given up totally on humans. I embrace a pretty painful thought. Some of you might know ... that is no matter how bad a person might seem to be .. i believe there is always some good in them.








This is a painful belief i can tell you.








Because so much so .... your mind .....your friends and your surroundings tells you that the person is bad, you go on foolishly believing and hanging on to some invinsible goodness in them.









i can't explain the logic behind this foolish belief. But the only answer i give to my friends is that ... if you go on to believe that a person is bad .. he will be what you conceive him to be.








I back this theory with real-life examples, biblical reasonings .. so on and so forth. But all the time, i feel that i am the only one hanging on to such a belief.

---

during my reflections..








I got reminded of one of my great wish to God during my secondary school days...









I remembered the pain of being back-stabbed. The pain of studying in school with hypocrites. The pain that my family brought to me. The pain of lonliness. The pain of living...







There and then.. i cried almost every other day. Because there was no comforter with me.









Suicidal thoughts reign in my head everyday back then.








Well i've accepted the fact this is a sad sad world.







because of a very simple fact that was born in the early beginning of life








Selfishness.










I prayed for true friends to be in my life every single day..












i said to God .. a buddy please. or how about a girlfriend ?








God said nothing.








all the way till awhile after ... i got to know another sad truth.









I realise that best friends can turn against each other. Girlfriends .. aren't any better.









We live in a very selfish world.










But ever wonder something? we aren't the only victims of selfishness?









Selfishness breeds selfishness.








I have done so much for people and it was never appreciated. i was scolded. and i was left alone to run on a journey with no support.






but the truth of the matter is .. there are lots of people who have done much for me too. but i was too careless to notice. negligence maybe.







i hear people complain about their parents. that they don't understand their kid's to have fun and experience life.






But have these kids realise how painful it is to be a parents. To make unpopular family decisions .. to survive in the working world for the sake of the family...







i was once such a brat.








Or how about complains about a friend who is simply piss you off ..








how about this question .. how many times have you piss off another person?







There are so many unthought questions.








no. not really unthought. more of briskly ignored. regarded as simply too trivial.








no one would care.










that's why.










why am i saying all these?









because many times i have prayed to God to do one thing for me.







remove me from this sad sad world. i don't wish to ever exist ... not in heaven or hell or in this world.







it's simply too difficult to live on. i just wanna run away.








but where can i run away ..... from myself?

---

Life is not a race. It's a journey.










what kind of journey?








it is a journey not to be ran, it is a journey to be enjoyed.









not at the cost of others, nor the benefit of self.








It has to be run along with others, with the removal of selfish barriers.








now ..







I can say Jesus is not my only friend now.








There has always been a crowd cheering behind me.








even if there can be people who deeply hurt me, or disappoint me..










I know that one day they will soon join the crowd to cheer behind me.







thanks again fellows.