What's mother's day to ya?
I feel really lost today. Really.
I don't understand how she could ever left me.
I don't understand the past. My father can't explain it.
I just want to be loved. Is that a crime?
There are just too many whys. And I really feel horrible on the inside
What's it like to feel the love of parents. I just really want to know...
My mood is just like a roller coaster these few days. I am feeling dry. That's not just it.... I also feel that this year is a year of awakening. Its a year i want to get my breakthrough. To stop wandering like an idiot.
I still remember a conversation i had with Caleb [from CHEC]..
Why are you staying in your Grandma house?
Why are you not staying with your parents?
Don't you ever want to find out about your past?
I was really angry at him. Who gives him the right to question about my past? I grew bitter. But then again, he did speak something into me. And so did some of my other friends whom questioned about my parents. I gave no answers to him. Actually, I just couldn't. I do not know the answer myself.
I grew up in a life of envy. To see that people around me have a better life than me. A life that is blessed with the love of parents. I grew more bitter and bitter. Being the most senior of age in this extended family, i am always the subject of comparison. Their comparisons has never encouraged me or build me to be a fighter. It just continues pile greater bags of problems into my life. It feels horrible on the inside as i recall. Being in that situation, i do draw references to their comparison. One of it is the subject of Parent's love. I just feel that they receive something that i can't explain.
I understand that my life isn't a terrible one. I am living much better than alot of people in this world. Does that help and make me feel better? No, Not at all. Its time like this that you feel that you should either be totally dumb or stupid . Or you should really seek out the truth. And i did.
After calling my dad, he seems alittle upset over my phone call. He tells me all that he knows about my real mom. He goes over every detail about how he met my mom. How my mom was like when i was a baby. He did not tell me why she left me though. He just said she just keeps running away. It seems like she has fallen for another man.
I am just lost of words. I have no idea how she looked like. But i really feel like finding her. I might not like what i find. But i am real tired of running away. I want to rebuild this family. And find out the truth. There are times i do doubt myself. I will ask if i really have the capability of pulling this through. I guess that's when God comes into play. I can only rely on him now. He's the only pillar of support i've got. I feel that friends will fade away. I know this might sound illogical but i just feel so. They are not going to be with you through-out your life all the time. This is also true to my lovely uncles and aunties. My relatives are great people. I acknowledge their love for me. I am happy to receive a parcel of blessing from each and every of them. But when i look at them, i realise that they all have a family of their own. As much as they love me as their very own kid, none of them are able to give me that kind of love i need. The truth of the matter is, they have done more than they should do for me. Its probably the life that i have to live. I might grow up someday finding the love that i so desire. I really appreciate those who have bless me with words and deeds. I will never forget them.
I guess a talk with my "spiritual mom" -Karista, has enlighten me alittle. She tells me that i am growing and is happy that i am taking on the responsibilities of a man. Its important for a man to take care of his family. And i wish to be that kind of man a lady can rely on. I might not be a great man. But i have the heart to be one. I hope people can sow this seed of belief in me. That even if i have no lessons of manhood or fatherhood, i will know how to be a great one.
What's mother's day to me... i ask myself again.
Its a day i learn that love is not perfect. Its great. It beats anything you ask from the world.
Happy Mother's day :)
9 comments:
"What's mother's day to ya?"
As ordinary as everyday. May be except holidays. When is is by the way?
I shall not inquire about your family unless you want to speak. :X
As usual, I am a K-PO. You can always choose to ignore what is mentioned below.
"What's it like to feel the love of parents. I just really want to know..."
"But i am real tired of running away. I want to rebuild this family. And find out the truth. There are times i do doubt myself."
Seem that I am opposite of you though. :/
"I feel that friends will fade away."
This is very true to a great extent.
"I guess that's when God comes into play. I can only rely on him now."
However, it is always good to have more supports, even if they are temporary ones. At least they even out the load momentarily. Unless you are like me who restrict my own circle to one or two in order to minimize the possible hurt from lost friendships.
"i am always the subject of comparison."
You are what you are. No one is born equal. Most important is that you have to live your life up to your expectation without regret. It is not easy but if you achieve that, their words have no impact as you have live your life to the fullest.
Or may be you can consider that God has given you a life full of obsticles but extraordinary in the sense that you have to go through issues that normal folks have no opportunity to experience. Once you overcome the obsticles, you know that you have grown up and that is something others cannot compare with you.
"But i am real tired of running away."
Then face them or accept them as it is. I know it is easier said then done but you will feel worse if you are stuck in the unknown, middle of no where. Uncertainty wrecks your mind more then the fact sometimes. Drives you crazy. Well, at least my maternal mom has gone psychotic already.
One advice: do not take things too extremely unless you are prepared for the repercussions.
My crap.
Jason,I feel very touched after reading your "Mother's Day" message in your blog.Looks like your past is something you do not wish to reminisce (RIGHT SPELLING?) about...Now,I know n understand y u feel sad from the SMS u sent me this morning.I was wondering y u sent me tad message.Guess u have answered tad question now in your blog.I don't wish to indulge in your personal affairs n your past.I feel very sad for you,but also envy u at the same time.I know it's easy to say and tok in WORDS,but very difficult to do and explain in ACTIONS.Don't worry too much.I'm sure u will find your real mom one day.I have the confidence.Take care n DON'T Worry too much.
There r times that i felt burdens that bagging up and the envy that ppl can do well. While these things can be the past, u can't do much about it. I'm not suggesting something or ask u to give up. Worries in life can never ended, it can end but another worries will just start again, while u just couldn't let go of the things in past which others ppl hav, u keep on have the mindset that y i dun have? Future challenges is more tough than now and past. That's my advice, srry that if any of the things i hurted u, now i said that i'm srry =)!
Hey Jason...I know nobody will ever understand what you're probably going through...But hey,sometimes you can't control fate...But what you CAN do is to try to move on with life and look on the bigger and brighther side of things. Trust me. There are much bigger things we could worry about in this world we live in today. Love is all around my friend. Learn to love yourself...I'm sure one day...You'll finally find out what you need to know...Take care...
thanks for the comments.
Erm ya i am ok, thx for all the comments :)
kcirtap :
"Seem that I am opposite of you though. :/"
It seems. Things sometimes seems as it is. Its a better choice to be sure about it. Like my "Mom" says, its better to be sure and solve the problem now before you meet more problems in the future.
"
'I feel that friends will fade away.' This is very true to a great extent."
It isn't. If that's the case, you would agree that there would be no need to make friends at all. Acquitances will be enough. What kind of life would that be.
" .. it is always good to have more supports, even if they are temporary ones. At least they even out the load momentarily. Unless you are like me who restrict my own circle to one or two in order to minimize the possible hurt from lost friendships."
yup. agreez.
"You are what you are. No one is born equal. Most important is that you have to live your life up to your expectation without regret. It is not easy but if you achieve that, their words have no impact as you have live your life to the fullest."
yup. I know .. but it is sure good to hear it from the other side, from a voice that doesn't belong to me. Thx
"Or may be you can consider that God has given you a life full of obsticles but extraordinary in the sense that you have to go through issues that normal folks have no opportunity to experience. Once you overcome the obsticles, you know that you have grown up and that is something others cannot compare with you."
We learn that in church. Its great to see that you know this as well.
"Then face them or accept them as it is. I know it is easier said then done but you will feel worse if you are stuck in the unknown, middle of no where. Uncertainty wrecks your mind more then the fact sometimes. Drives you crazy. Well, at least my maternal mom has gone psychotic already."
The most common response of fear is to run. To run also means you are unable to accept what is presented to you. Its the easiest way to take but yet the hardest way to succeed. I do not wish to run anymore.
"I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth."
Rev 3:16
Its better to stay hot or cold than lukewarm. I will remember not to make half-hearted decisions.
About your mom, i'm sorry to hear that. Hope she'll be better.
"My crap. "
Gee. Don't keep saying that ... its not a nice remark on yourself. Those are nice words of yours by any chance.
Mr Missile Rocket Launcher :
Thx. I appreciate that.
SoulKeeper :
Thx for your thought.
"Worries in life can never ended, it can end but another worries will just start again .. "
Don't worry. I know well not to worry. :)
" i felt burdens that bagging up and the envy that ppl can do well"
Do share more of that with the people around ya. Its not healthy to keep it with yourself. I do envy people from time to time. I choose to submit this thoughts to the Lord and learn from them instead.
Thanks for all the comments. Even though i might sound that i have alot of conviction in my post, i still need guidance and directions. Its like what Prem said, its not as easy to do what you say. However, i feel i can't keep this thoughts in my mind. I need to sow it somewhere and see it grow. If i ever do look back, i will remember what happen on that very day.
Staying where I am and ignoring the past is not an option for me. I do want to know more. I might not be able to find my mom again but at least I do not want to be in a state of oblivion all the while. Its my first time sharing this thoughts so openly .. its something i've never done so boldly before. I don't feel odd or depress after doing it, a feeling i'll get in the past. I will learn to take things step by step.
Sorry if my tone looks alittle funny or weird in my post. I don't know how to rephrase the words. Thanks for the encouragements :)
I'm quite amazed that you blogged out your thoughts, which has been a mystery for so long. I remember asking about your family once, but figured from your replies that i should drop it.
I am also very glad that you didn't wallow in self pity. Some people I know simply can't shut up about their past and move on. Everyone has their own container of sticky past memories. You either shove them out of the way or allow them to stumble you. hmm this has a bit of similarities with what pastor albert jeb. said this sat ^^;;
I agree, cast your cares into God's hands. God changed sy rogers from 90% WOman to 100% MAN, He will make sure that you're 100% MAN :D And now, you have an added asset that you can emphatize with others.
Thanks for your very from-the-heart thoughts. It is very rare to hear such thoughts. I appreciate it very much.
p.s. my dad still refuses to tell me his love story with my mum :o
averilchan:
" Learn to love yourself...I'm sure one day...You'll finally find out what you need to know...Take care"
That's very nice and sweet words :)I'll remember that.
Stormchaser:
"Thanks for your very from-the-heart thoughts. It is very rare to hear such thoughts"
I should be thankful that friends bother to ask about it :) It is so rare to find a caring friend nowadays :) Truly i am glad that he answered my prayers :D
"p.s. my dad still refuses to tell me his love story with my mum :o "
Gee, get him drunk. haa kidding.
There is a time to everything turtle. :) I'm sure they'll tell you soon ...
Dude, hope that u cheer up
i will :)
Thanks for dropping by and cheering me on.
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