A Look back from my shoulders.

How I long for the weekends during the weekdays. And how fast its slipping away so quickly. Time waits for no men. No women. No dogs or pigs.

I've been asked yesterday by Ken : How do you feel so far as a clerk serving in the army? Sian ?

Life there as it can be seen is nothing very stressful. The only thing that can really stress you is if you kanna extra duty or work OT [overtime] for no sound reason. Basically i am just picking things up and enjoying what i can along the way, puting in mind that there are goals to be completed this time. If i screw up my year this time, i am seriously screwing up my life. All my hopes, discipline and principles are constantly being tested [ as always ] and it has to prevail.

My week has not been easy. Feeling dull and robotized every day at work, i can't help but find ways to do something more useful in the office. I always go online to read, surf and sometimes play when the superiors are not around. I got caught alot of time by my department head and its pretty embarassing. Sometimes it seems like the world is gray and there can be no one there for you when you walk the road. That's not true. But i can't help feeling that way. Most of us should know that we fighting battles everyday. Not blood-demanding physical battles. But a mental war. A mental war with ourselves. It can be something that we are sub/un-conscious about. The very choices we make are our battle moves in this battlefield we fight. Whether you are a Christian, a buddhist, a boy, a girl, a govenor, or a road-sweeper, You make choices which directs you to its choices. That's alittle small thought as i look back on my life.

I see myself not living up to the standard i set, sadly most of the time. I sometimes feel that i lack a role model in my life. But this thought deems invalid after i accepted Christ. I see how people around me grow, and often feel envious of their happy and normal life. Yah you heard me. I regarded myself as abnormal. As a kid, i wonder why i need to carry the burden of weights i do not deserve. Why am i struck with Arthritis [ an ailment/ disease whatever you call it] and have to endure swollen joints, intense pains and restriction in movements ? This makes life very hard as hyperactive kid when all you want to do is to jump, run and have fun. That plus other more are just part of my past. Then next comes with struggling with friends who are just hypocrites and backstabbers. Like what my senior JoJo has face in his JC life. Then comes the struggling for an identity and someone to look up to. Those were the hard years before i accepted Christ. Life back then is plainly nothing more but a struggle to exist. To stand and get this questions answered or if not to them out of my life. I live past them and all i can do is to get them resovled and submitted to my God. I can't say everything is resolved. But i can say when you know you overcome it with the help of good friends and with God, there will be a crack in the lock. You will find liberation.

Basically my life has been improving. Even if sometimes i stray off-course from my goals. I come to realise that unless we deal with ourselves, its very hard for us to deal the choices around us. I am a constant product of what i make myself to be. I will learn and may God be with me in my journey. I really want to be someone of a great material. Both inside and outside.

Continue to teach me! I am willing to learn more...