The slip of paper that directs my life huh? Not really. I can't live and stop with that. If you haven know already or heard about my result ... I've got xtemely bad grades. Very much so i choose to believe in miracles, but very surely i know i will have to face reality. For like my Chinese teacher like to say in Chinese, you reap what you soul. This results is actually attributed to many mistakes that i've made in my JC years. Den comes the part about living in denial to make everything seem normal. Very simply i've been a fool for 2 stupid years.
I would want to say alittle thx to those who encourage me. I would say alittle sorry to those who i cause them to worry. I am actually okay on that day because there is really no disappoinment in me. I am neither angry, nor sad, nor happy with my result. And the scary thing that, what i felt the whole day is this emotional voidness. I don't know how u classify that in psychological terms, its just an emptiness in you, alittle like depression. Its like your mind goes blank and all you can feel is your hearbeat. After getting the skip of paper, i went directly to the beach. If there is one place that can comfort me .. it would be at the beach.
It didn't really help this time. I am pretty stress at that point. I cant cry like if i want to. I cant throw my temper. I cant laugh. I cant experience any emotions at all. I can't really go into the presence of God either because my surrounding is pretty noisy. I can't go home because i jsut don't wanna be back. Its really terrible for that 3-4 hours at the beach. I read a christian book which said something that somehow puts a light in my mind. It says : We are not born to live an overcoming life. We are given life as we overcome. All along thru my time there, i have been thinking about the past. I felt that God warned me before about my lifestyle back then that if i am not going to change, i will end up like that. And then somehow i got another thought that has been telling me that this has been the path i've chosen. It is no doubt a hard path. But the light to this path is that i will learn the true meaning of trust. The true meaning of not depending on my own but by his strength, i will be an overcomer. I have never failed like this before in my life. Sometimes, some of my friends seem to think i am one that would never fail ... would succeed in all i did. All this took a change since i enter JC. But its also thru JC then i iron out another part of my life. I say God is sure full of surprises, he sure have backup plans for an idiot like me who plays along with life and doesn't treat it seriously.
I am still searching for answers. Practical answers to the correct course next. Spiritual answers to my upcoming faith. Self-needed answers to change what i need to change with me. Assuring answers for my friends and family about my decisions. Please pray for me to find strength as i feel weak always. I really wanna break out. Not breakdown. There seems to be so much to think and decide and so little time left to do that.
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For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
Lamentations 3 :31-33
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Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 23:4
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But, I am focusing all my energies on this one thing : Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven
Philipians 3:13-14
[thx turtle]
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A good thing about being a Christian is you know that you know ... that God is good ... all the time. How does that help? For starters, you will not focus on yourself .... On your problems to be exact. Second, you will learn to focus on God, Cos God is bigger than anything. Even this puny problem i am facing is nothing in the eyes of his. Thirdly, you will inherit plus discover his promises. This is the best time to see how far God can bring you in times of hardship. I wanna say i might be lost. I might be confuse. I might be upset. But i am definitely not down I will fight the good fight of faith. Run finish the race. And prove those who see me down.
The slip of paper that directs my life? Nah The slip of paper that shapes my life ...
2 comments:
i'm relieved that you're coping better than many other people.
which beach did u go? i recommend west coast park. there are few people there so if you want to laugh, cry, shout, anything, you can do it there.
another verse:
Jer 29:11-14 (shown Jer 29:11,13)
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
these were one of the verses i hung on to when i was really down. I'll pray for you too :)
That's a nice verse. Thx
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