I am sad.

Gym was the place i go to iron out my feelings ... Letting go of my emotions. My grandma argued with me today again. She likes to use not-so-nice words when she speak. I can always close one ear to whatever she says. She is not that bad. IT's just that sometimes she's very tactless when she speak. She forgot that i am human too and the power of words have influences on me. She likes to tell me " ni yao shi le!!" (implying that staying out very late at night will kill me). I don't see the effectiveness of using reverse psychology here when the words itself are so negative. I can't blame her ( like what my uncle said). She's uneducated and therefore she is not good with her words.

The trifle this time is about allowance. And i can't help feeling sad when she asked me how much i am going to pay her back when i work. Well i can work and cut down my spendings. She can say that. But i feel very sad when she talks about the repaying part. It's like - I've never seen a loved one asked for repayment for all that's done. My emotions are stirred up. My anger get a better hold on me than my thinking. With all the things she have told me in the past, i can't help feeling that all she's doing now ... is not out of love. Is out of investment. Out to get something out of me in the future. To simply put it, she makes me think that i am a tool for her future riches. That's why she always compare me. Always scold me. And she even told me once [ after i asked her ] that my grades, my success is a beacon to show to her friends or sisters that she has someone successful to boast about and to rely on. That was the worst thing she has ever said to me.

I know all what my uncle has said. I don't think they know how i feel on the inside all the time, especially about family matters. Through the years, i've adopted a simple policy. Playing ignorance. Know what you need to know and know tat's all you need to know. This policy has help me thru the years in certain ways with dealing with relationship matters .. but its definitely not without its flaws. Ignorance is not always bliss. All i got to say is the past will catch up with me in the future .. or even soon in the present. I have to learn not just to let go .. but to resolved b4 letting go. This is just like what Janet has done (as i've written in my prev post). I just hope God will teach me how to solve b4 it piles up and become too big to resolve. Life is just like this. You learn, you solve, you let go and you move on.

Well, regarding about what my grandma has said. After a nice gym work-out. I felt God convicting my heart. God knows what i feel. And God told me ... hey you are looking at you and what happen to you alone. There are so many things that i've forgotten abotu what my Granny has done for me over the years. It's only natural for her to feel weary in this process of bringing me up. Especially when it's not her full responsibility to do it. All the past ... the good and the bad started flooding my heart. Sometimes i really don't know the best outlet for intense emotion. It may be temporary but it can still be helpful. Crying is good as i've learn over the years. But as humans mature, crying may not a very good outlet. It's not natural for me to suddenly hug everything i see and started weeping. Today's gym work-out was a refreshing experience. I could only thank God for this temporary outlet.

Well i guess if there's anybody reading my blog. Or maybe just for myself in the future. Adore and keep this msg in yr heart. Love your neighbour, your love ones just as yourself. For humans are the best treasures there are in this world. Beyond that, it's all about God.