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His faithfulness

Blessed  be  the Lord, For He has shown me His marvelous kindness in a strong city! For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before Your eyes; Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications When I cried out to You. Oh, love the Lord, all you His saints!  For  the Lord preserves the faithful, And fully repays the proud person. Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the Lord. (Psalm 31:21-24 NKJV)

My God is a faithful God! Even in all my days where I ran faithless.. He assurese He is three

God these few days my flaws are revealed. I have a childish heart - if things dont get I my way I get upset. The basic trust.. I easily forget. Teach me not to forget God

You have been good to me. When I was about to daily exam and go into NT In sec Sch. U bring me up to the top class instead. I was so afraid.. I prayed And put my anxious desires before u. And u heard my deep desires

In primary school I felt useless. Primary 1 I failed 2 

Out of 3 subjects. Almost gg to receive hell at home. U let me pass. And at the end- I top the Class with my grades in primary 3 and 4

God. 

 Could u help me again. I believe this time with hard work.. God u can turn my grades around. I want good results Sio bad. In the midst all my bad attitude comes out

2 things I pray

1) refine my attitude. Let me carry gratitude. Attitude of the beatitude everywhere I go

2) bless me so I can be a blessing. I don't want to be selfish. I want to help many people. Help me God to score well in exams. And have a breakthrough in my emotional struggles

I love u Jesus. Great is thy faithfulness

Penned on iPhone .. Jason Ng

I erred

I realise now after hearing Dr. A.R. Bernard's sermon of how much i have erred. beyond the superficial shell i carry,,,, lies a deep root of sadness... irresponsibility.... hatred and shame.

i have erred. i have blamed people

but look at me God.... i am behaving really like a fool.,,,

help me God.... 

 

Regards,

Jason Ng .. s0nix

 

[God doesn't give us overcoming life, he gives life as we overcome... ]

Meditation

I WILL bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall
continually be in my mouth. My life makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble and afflicted hear and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name
together. I sought (inquired of) the Lord and
required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and
delivered me from all my fears. They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never
blush for shame or be confused. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out
of all his troubles. (Psalm 34:1-6 AMP)

These verses have Been my verse of meditation these few weeks.

I realize how sometimes when we are so caught up with ourself.... Over our struggles and our life., we tend to look at our life w a magnifying glass and feel overwhelmed.

I think the start of this year has been a big struggle for me. Balancing time and commitment.. The stress built up and eventually I crack.

I understand how frail I am and I turn back to you.

I seek affirmation and understanding...

God you became my affirmation through all this. I feel so tired but you have lifted me up.

I talk to rio and understood how he copes during his 2 years of studies. It wasn't easy but he balance his time alot by seeking understanding and help from people around him... And try to focus his priorities on what's at hand.

I think studies is one of my most important priority right now. And I will give it my attention.

The rest of the things.. God please help me to balance it out. I don't want to neglect my family.. Or rlns in the expense of my studies. I don't want my health to deteriorate too. I want to live a long life to serve you.

So give me your grace to complete my planning for visions this year.

I want to be focus in sound what I should do. No more wasting time

Vision for my life!

Simplified version
First half of year
Exam focus!
-Bible study every morning
-meditating on new verses like ps 34 and ps 1
- 30mina a day of revision
- sat 2 hours
- sun 2hrs am, 6hrs pm
- one weekend every month w ah ma
- clear bf
- save 300 p month for wedding
- sleep by 12 latest 1230
- daily 1hr worship

Later part of the year
- improvement in photography by joining a club or expedition
- guitar class: compose a melody and song
- iPhone 5 :)
- work out to keep fit. 3 times a week.

Vision for work
Not to ot at expense of meeting unless absolutely necessary

Vision for Cg
Disciple members to maximize their gifts
Bible study for men and Cgc
Xuelin will handle the woman
Prayer meeting w every single one maybe once a month

Vision for spiritual life
To be accountable to my mentors.
To have a breakthrough in my thought life
To be able to have revelations of Gods love and goodness once again.

Seeing it again

Day 2 of my fast. It's lunch time and I am at Want cafe w bb. Quite exhausted by the workload and pace today. But thank God for this lunch time break.. And my bb for coming down to see me. :)

This whole week I have been meditating on psalms 34. 

It has been an encouragement to me to know God hears me, and it inspires me to taste and see the goodness of God.

I really need this "food" cos at the start of the year. It seems like I put myself in rocket mode. Rushing everything I can to make things work. Ending up really drained at the end of each day. It becomes a cycle of weariness that left my mind unguarded. Negative thoughts take root. And hence... I became a defeated person.

God spoke to Jacob: "Go back to Bethel. Stay there and build an altar to the God who revealed himself to you when you were running for your life from your brother Esau." Jacob told his family and all those who lived with him, "Throw out all the alien gods which you have, take a good bath and put on clean clothes, we're going to Bethel. I'm going to build an altar there to the God who answered me when I was in trouble and has stuck with me everywhere I've gone since." They turned over to Jacob all the alien gods they'd been holding on to, along with their lucky-charm earrings. Jacob buried them under the oak tree in Shechem. Then they set out. A paralyzing fear descended on all the surrounding villages so that they were unable to pursue the sons of Jacob. Jacob and his company arrived at Luz, that is, Bethel, in the land of Canaan. He built an altar there and named it El-Bethel (God-of-Bethel) because that's where God revealed himself to him when he was running from his brother. And that's when Rebekah's nurse, Deborah, died. She was buried just below Bethel under the oak tree. It was named Allon-Bacuth (Weeping-Oak). God revealed himself once again to Jacob, after he had come back from Paddan Aram and blessed him: "Your name is Jacob (Heel); but that's your name no longer. From now on your name is Israel (God-Wrestler)." (Genesis 35:1-10 MSG)

"running for your life from your brother Esau"

- speaks of Jacob running away from his fear and anxiety. Running to anywhere that can bring him  peace, stability and safety.

But God says., come back. Come back to bethel. The foundation of everything. The house of God. The bread of life is in there.

He spoke once to Naomi and Ruth too on this.

It's easy for us to run away.. Or run to a target. But I think when our life is threaten and in a mess... I must run back to the house of God.

He says build an altar.

Altar signifies a life of worship. A life that places Jesus in the centre. 

When that happens... A certain peace comes in. The anxiety and stress starts to move away.

God I want to rebuild this altar again. I want to see things in your perspective. I don't require any understanding on why things happen this way. Just open my eyes again to see your goodness.. And open my heart again that I may receive your love..

"They turned over to Jacob all the alien gods they'd been holding on to, along with their lucky-charm earrings. Jacob buried them under the oak tree in Shechem"

 

I believe this speaks of turning away from idolatry. Idolatry is simply anything that takes the place of God as the centre. In our lives. 

When we give value/ high importance... And push away the attention of God ( that he wants to commune with us) ... We become isolated.

I become isolated. I think I honestly put other things before Him. My results became important to me. It's likes Xw says... They become so important I am letting "these things" define me.

I am not defined by works or results. Someone's when expectations are placed on me.. I tend to feel pressured. I want to run away. I think that only when I achieve something.. Then i can come back to God. To the people I care about. And show them that I have not wasted their investments on me.' 

God.. It doesn't matter all that now. Coa all these investments that they place on me... I won't be worried anymore that it won't bear fruit. Cos God all these comes from you. If you choose not to help me,.. Then I can never do it. But if u place me here for a reason.,, u will have a way to help

Me balance my commitments and be a victorious person through all these.

God... I place all these idols in your hands. Take it away. I want to please you and know your heart more. Come help me...

3)"God revealed himself once again to Jacob, after he had come back from Paddan Aram and blessed him: "Your name is Jacob (Heel); but that's your name no longer. From now on your name is Israel (God-Wrestler)."

The blessing of God comes after he pass through a struggle.  

Does it have to be through a struggle for that we can have a breakthrough?

Perhaps it's just a renewing of mind.. And rededicating our heart.

God I really need your breakthrough: no more struggles w. my identities. No 

More stress over my work. No more defeated mindset that steals my joy. No more directionless living.

God I want to have a breakthrough. 

I pray that I can become a stronger, resilient.... And faith-ful man.

Wrestling

But Jacob stayed behind by himself, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he couldn't get the best of Jacob as they wrestled, he deliberately threw Jacob's hip out of joint. The man said, "Let me go; it's daybreak." Jacob said, "I'm not letting you go 'til you bless me." The man said, "What's your name?" He answered, "Jacob." The man said, "But no longer. Your name is no longer Jacob. From now on it's Israel (God-Wrestler); you've wrestled with God and you've come through." Jacob asked, "And what's your name?" The man said, "Why do you want to know my name?" And then, right then and there, he blessed him. Jacob named the place Peniel (God's Face) because, he said, "I saw God face-to-face and lived to tell the story!" The sun came up as he left Peniel, limping because of his hip. (This is why Israelites to this day don't eat the hip muscle; because Jacob's hip was thrown out of joint.) (Genesis 32:24-32 MSG)

God thank you for your word. Sometimes I really do feel like Jacob. I try to do my best... In the things I do... Often trying different methods to achieve it. After awhile I get tired.

Through the pas 2 weeks I have been really stressed. I feel like the whole world is caving in on me.  Particularly... Starting off with work. Feeling unfulfilled in my job.... Coupled w making silly mistakes... And getting scolded by a senior staff.. It made me feel really lousy about myself. I can still remember the anger I had over myself... For giving her so much trouble... And I was angry w her for being so demanding over me.

In retrospect... I have a tendency to take things really hard. A scolding to me will set me off in a chain of thinking and self evaluating,.. And instinctively- I draw back to my shell. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

This is not the first time.... But these signs have become a unhealthy stronghold in my life. A stronghold because many a times I feel helpless and alone in all this. I feel tired.

Tired of enduring the pain on my right hip bone. It seems like every step I take it aches.

Tired of my failures in work. In all that The last thing I want is to be a burden to anyone.

Tired of unfulfilled desires in my heart. I keep thinking about being a musician one day. Because that is what I love. I wish for more time that I can practise freely.

Tired of not being able to present a good report for my Cg. I guess I just want to do my zone leader proud. But I feel time tight.

Tired of not knowing how to meet the expectations of my family. They love to ask me about my studies. About my life. My job. What can I say to them? What should i say? It feels like they want me to produce some results before they could stop askin me all these questions.

Pressure. It's mounting on me.

I really crave for someone's understanding in what I go through. But I come to realize no one can fully understand this. And in understanding all this.. What can they offer me? Consolation? 

Maybe it's that support and encouragement i wish to get,

I am a human too. 

So today.. Typing all this out. I want to tell you GOD....  I want you to know I am doing my best. I want you to know that people always look with me.. I can see It in their eyes.. That expectation....

A breakthrough.

Xw told me I need a breakthrough in my mindset

E. told me I need to take this out w God

Xl told me I need to relax and trust God. It's not by might nor power.

Dad told me he understands mine struggles. And he told me I need to rest. And also seek God for strength.

God I am returning to bethel. 

It represents bread. The house of God.

Jacob. The supplanter.. I feel I am like him in many ways

The joint pain on my hip bone. When I read this.. It's like knowing... He knows what it feels like to have a limp.

God I need a breakthrough. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I am not letting u go until u give it to me.

God u got to give me something. Anything. Feel this void within me. And carry this burdens I have. I need a breakthrough.

Do u hear me God??????? I want it!!!!!!!!!

A man with a hand

i went through a whole entire day. working with my left hand.

my right hand felt it was being hammered every 5 seconds.

coughin away. sneezing away.

man i wasnt feeling good all day.

Thank God it wasnt so bad.... when i can go home early to rest. and with modern medication... i can ease my hand easily.

i suddenly remembered Jacob in all of this, how he had a limp. a weakness... that hurts him.

every step.. it hurts.

every move and twitch he makes with his legs... it hurts...

but every step... He was reminded... "i wrestled with God... and i prevailed"

what that really means.... i dont really know.

but i know how sick he must be with his life to have wrestled with God....

and after that.. he became a prince. JAcob to Israel

i shall depend on you more.

Man at the arena

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

-Theodore Roosevelt 26th President of USA.

Man who make a decision to step up make a difference.

Today as Pastor shared this statement and it reminded how much a value of a dream can be.

i remember how my dear ones have to suffer under a negative spotlight for a period of time.... its like a longg night for them... but yet they persisted... and now i can see her closer to her dream.

i remember how i use to run away when i meet in any tough situations... how i blame You God... how i sought refuge on every scrap of 'lies', fault-finding, or blame-pushing ... so that i will not be at fault.

God you have grown me. i am slowly but surely a different man now. i dont have the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. i can think better... see bigger pictures.

Thank you for trusting me

Such a fool

I can't believe I allow myself to behave like this again.

Seriously.. What's wrong with me?

Is there no hope???

Can I please have a breakthrough Lord. My heart aches.....

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

day in pain

^9-10 Jabez was a better man than his brothers, a man of honor. His mother had named him Jabez (Oh, the pain!), saying, "A painful birth! I bore him in great pain!" Jabez prayed to the God of Israel: "Bless me, O bless me! Give me land, large tracts of land. And provide your personal protection—don't let evil hurt me." God gave him what he asked.

Dear God... i have forgotten this pain. this pain caused by rheumatamoid arthritis. the pain that stills away your locomotions.

everything i do just takes double or triple the time. and the pain falls on my right wrist... means everything i do has to be done on my left hand. brushing of teeth, cooking my noodles, bsthing .. even typing.

i used to feel alot of self pity.. now i just am so irritated by this. cooking a bowl of noodles takes so much more time now... and guess what.. my left hand slip and everything fell over.

God i cant help but think is there a future for me... how can i take care of people when i have this burden over me... will i be like this forever?

God like Jabez prayed ... life wasnt easy when he start out. he must have been called many names. he must have been so discouraged at times. he must have felt worthless or hopeless... but he put his trust in u and prayed.

likewise.. extend my tent .. my capacity to do great things .. my tolerance for pain

protect me from harm... from any evil, hopeless.. self-pity negative thoughts

keep me from evil... i dont need any form of relieft but that which comes from you. you are my refuge..

and bless me oh Lord... empower me with your grace that i will not be a person that cause pain. my name means healer. and i shall indeed be what it says.

so Jabez in heaven.. if God can do it for you.. He can do it for me.

God please heal me... this pain is awful..

The list

God...

i am going to do abit of homework today.

to create a list of the unhealthy habits and thought life.

i notice a certain pattern of childish intepretations of what others are doing that makes me feel lousy.. or possibly angry with myself.

1) When talking to a person - if she looks around halfway and look at something more interesting that what i am talking.... i will feel that my words are boring. my conversation is not engaging.

result: i will feel frustrated w myself. and angry at the other party not paying attention.

verdict: i think its silly. i am used to being the centre of attention when i am young in primary school. when i mature... suddenly all that attention is lost... as my uncles and auntie move house. i began to feel insecure cos i am not making connections with people the way i used to do.

now how do i go about solving this? rewiring my mind helps?

i need a word from the bible.

2) when i speak to someone... and the person doesnt reply. it gets on me.... you see i dont know why i am so particular on all this eeny meeny things. these are all pretty what girls will be sensitive about right? but i care. and i dont know why i care but i just did. and it cause me this frustration.

result: am i speaking to softly? or i asked something silly? should i pretend nothing happen and just continue doing what i previously left off? should i talk louder and re-ask what i was talking? am i asking question that is not making sense?

verdict: i think alot. almost too much for that particular instance. i usually pretend nothing happens and continue on. but at the back of mind i still think.. what is wrong with me? i see others making fluid conversations.. but i cant even sustain a question.

what i hear people telling me: dont think you have something wrong with you. we are different.. but all still pretty much the same. we are all humans with flaws. (or) you putting too much thots in ya conversations. it should always be natural... to much planning in a sense makes the conversation unnatural.

what should i do: i need to have peace of God. i hunger for meaningful conversations. but probably 99% of time wont happen the way i want it to be. so..... just at that point... i need to know it's ok if i dont make my point across. ultimately God listens to my every thought.. my ever word. i need to know i dont need to feel alone in any circumstance. He is with me. if no one understands what i am saying.. i am sure they will one day when i can express myself better.

right now i need a word for this.

---

meanwhile to cope with my low self-esteem.. i have these plans

i know i cant rush. i cant rush what you can do in my heart

but what i can do is the following.

Seek Pastor Aries for prayer and counselling. most prob with Xiuwen

- Learn from Ryan what it means to be a man that maximise his wife;s womanhood.

- learn from Dad how to be a family man. and appreciate family time more. possibly learn how to bridge back the gap that was torn with my relatives

- Speak to Elaine on Saturday and ask her to lay hands on me. Ask her for advice from how she sees our relationship.. what areas i can improve.

speaking to them... i may expect to receive many constructive criticisms that will hit my heart.

but to grow my child in me to be a man. i need to do whatever it takes..

Reflections

Dear God..

my heart is exeedingly sorrowful. i just feel i really need a breakthrough in my life. I really love this person alot.

can you imagine that time and time again you keep hurting the same person u love .. the person that love you.

i just really feel like a jerk

i just read through an email she wrote when we were first really getting to know each other.

on 3 August.. she wrote this statement

"yea, so like what i was sharing, i really hope to have a man in my life, who can really take care of me. who loves me and supports me, and understanding towards how i feel and make me feel fulfilled as a woman. where my life is really maximised. where being in a relationship is really a blessing to each other and not a pain or agony. i know there are no perfect relationships, but, it's like, on a whole, the relationship will feel more blissful than painful... you know what i mean? really hope to have a guy who really has a heart for God. who loves God, who serves Him with all his heart, yet still love the people around him."

God please help me

when i read that i keep weeping..

because i am not that man in the email. i am not. :(

i felt i led her on.... i made her believe i am that man.. but time and time again i became selfish and insecure.... i dont just hurt myself... but i i kept hurting her.

it hurts me. i just dont know what else i can do... .

August 2nd.

i wrote

I want to be a guy that can lead the love of my life "by the hand" : meaning to be able to lead her by every step. walk at her pace. guide her at a good mutual pace. and run together with her with vision.

I want to be able to take care the loved of my life that she will feel proud of me of the person i am. and be proud of me of the works i do. and how i shine like Jesus did.

I want to be a man that my kids and grand kids will one day say... that's my daddy! He's the man!

I want to be a guy that can protect my family. that can provide for them and if there is anything they want that is reasonable and acceptable (in the eyes of God and in our culture) .. i am able to provide it.

I want to be a man that can have a good confidence in Christ. That will be able to share boldly - and relevantly the gospel of God through the way i live my life... and with words at the right time.

Dear God. can i really be a man like this ?

i can. but God how?

please help me God

Low

Dear God,

Sometimes I feel like a mouse in this big big world. Im not sure if I am schizophrenic. Or I have another spirit that lives in me. I constantly feel I am useless.. And people don't deserve my time. When an attempt to strike conversation w someone failed.. And my colleagues can enjoy heart to conversation.. I will think there must be something wrong w me

When my frens graduate from their studies.. And I'm still studying,. I Will think there is something wrong with me.

With the recent episode w vic. And sometimes when members tell me me can't serve. They can't come Cg or service.. Cos they are doing assignment... I will think is it because there is something wrong w cell group or service? Or am I thinking too much.

I fell sick twice in these 2 weeks. Body is weak. I feel so weak.

God look at me. I have nothing to lead the people. No credentials. I am not a role model. Whats good in me? What's my strength? I feel so helpless now.

Hopeless. And I don't kow what to do. I don't know what is the next step to take..

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

Conversation w boss

A biannual review. Citi has this culture where we need to do some goal plotting. But this time it's different. The boss will seat w every staff and discuss about our goals.. Our areas to work on. Or on any feedback.

She said our big boss is happy that I'm more lively .. Seldom doze off in work when I change my seat to seat near my department colleagues (previously I seat far away from my dept due to com shortage)

Hearing this makes me happy.. But yet.. I can't help thinking inhale a weak body. I tried to sleep earlier but I still feel so tired at work. Sometimes I really don't know why. Just so tired.

When I'm out w frens.. I will get tired easily.....

:( and they are all upset of me because of that

I'm really frustrated over all these things...

Frustrated that I'm not being the head ... But Im being the tail.

Something is really wrong huh

Then my boss says I always give an image that I look blur or loss hen communicating w people. She knows I'm not.. But I always give people tha perception.. By my countenance and subtle reactions....

I really seek to improve what I can improve. :( but I want to e promoted! She says she is worried how well I can cope. Can I multitask. Will I get stress easily. Can I remember things better.

There was once I was having a bad flu. My female colleagues were pushing their pedestal.. And when I did not offer to help... They feedback to the boss I'm somehow rather passive.

Boss knows I'm in church and in community Svc. She knows I'm sick.

Somehow I could have still step out and offer help. Think the holy spirit nudge me. But seeing how some other colleague help. I think I am not needed

I seem to be underperforming in my work :( seem like I am giving lots of bad impression of myself..

But she gave me positive feedbacks too. On how I led huddle .. Is very natural. I engage the people well.

Thinking though all these things.. Honestly I feel discourage.

Thinking I can't bid for a house for Xiuwen makes me even more sad. If we can't bid soon.. Then when :(? When there are no more slots? And we have to wait past 2014? 2015? 2016?

I hope to have a house of my own.... W the woman I love.

Sometimes she is busy.... W so many things and so many people. When my school starts.. Will she have time for me..

Ok I'm gg to rant this out. End of rant

Now God.. These are things I need help in. Maybe I need to readjust my perspective alittle. Maybe I need to pray up and find strength to e able to face up to certain challenges.

I can only say lord... I wanna trust you, I know I have deep issues. But God can u please deliver me. Help me o see a breakthrough for every single prob here.

I can't shine as salt and light if I can't even take care of myself. Right God?

My heart pains. I don't know why... It just hurts so much when I think of all these things. I need you God :((

Ng, sent via iphone �
[Godliness with contentment is great gain]

brother talk

these few days... been talking to brothers....

i thank God that i have more brotherly frriendships these year. at least mature christians whom have great heart... and also a very human soul. we laugh.. share our weakness... talk about our visions .. dreams and life ahead.

it is great fellowship w Alan and Wei Quan... and Jasper.

i pray that we will all grow in the Lord... and most importantly...

we live out our life according to God's plan for us. :) its really nice to rub off some manhood from each other...

inner struggles and Jesus

someone told me this week...

in life u can either complain and stay e same...

or u can work hard and believe in a change.

comes in pretty useful to me.

change. e only constant thing in life.

its also something i am learning to accept in my life.

changes in the lives of people around me. their circumstance. all our circumstance.... change.

but glory to God because he make all things new. and He makes all things well in line. for his ways .. his thoughts are higher.

well the actual issues are

i need to get over certain hurts that are etched in my heart. they are like broken glass stuck at a corner. everytime the wound is revisted.. it aches. and i know my God is pulling it out....

i know im sensitive guy.

and its really by his grace i can be able to be gracious i feel. if not i will prob explode on the inside.

I am not where i am supposed to be but thank God i am not the way i used to be... (Joyce Meyer)

and its a work in progress.

i keep blaming God this week for making me. There are just little things.... little little things that can make me sick out there. i just feel so weak sometimes.....

i know what this means when i make a statement like that. that .. its faithless? can be even downright insulting to God the maker ? but yet!! i need to come to an understanding on all this matter...

today God showed me again a verse on a deacon. an elder. a leader.

he showed me that a leader must be upright. 1 tim2,3 and Titus 2

he showed me in Gen 24 God always has a plan. a promise

He showed me faithfulness...

:( i cry unfair. and he says this is the way it has to be.

there is no other way... but to trust and obey.

the truth shines brighter. and one day all things will come to light

its funny

its been a long day. tiring. but get to spend time w friends, im thankful.

think its been awhile i blog.

i feel quite twisted on the inside. like something is twisting my heart around. i cant fathom why.

it is depressing me.

yea. be a man. thicken it out.

why cant i just get this feeling out of me. :( or is hardening my heart the way ?

God.... :(

---

when is shower. i thought about today being Father's day. today being the day we thank our Father for all that he has done.... or just simply letting know we love him.

i began to think about what i remember about fatherhood.... i really dont think i can remember anything. i have many foster parents i guess. my grandma's children ( or my dad's unmarried brothers and sisters) stayed with me when i was young. i guess i was at the centre of the attention among them. they cane me. fed me. clothed me. and sometimes i wonder why i was born in such a messy place. i think alot when i was young. i thouight of how many times i am to plan my escape from this house and never come back. but i never have the courage to run away.

so i did the opposite i guess..... . i hide. hide away from people. from feelings. i do not want to show any vulnerabilities.. i must succeed in all the things i do. so that i can be accepted. eventually it all becomes meaningless. because they all left. now in this home at night. my ah ma.. and me lives. and 2 uncles still that i never really talk to since they are back only at wee-hours.

i began to wonder where is my father? do i ever have a father? what is a father? whats all the buzz about father and sermon about man and dad where i dont see a real good dad in my life.

what is a father ?

how does he look like ?'

abba father ?

So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”

even as i write this. i feel miserable. i dont even feel like talking to a soul about this. nobody understand this.

i will choose just to listen to the Lord. and cling onto this verse as i sleep.

happy fathers day.

Thessalonians 1

1 Thessalonians 1

¹ Paul, Silas^[a] and Timothy,

To the church of the Thessalonians in God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ:

Grace and peace to you.

Thanksgiving for the Thessalonians’ Faith

² We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. ³ We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

⁴ For we know, brothers and sisters^[b] loved by God, that he has chosen you, ⁵ because our gospel came to you not simply with words but also with power, with the Holy Spirit and deep conviction. You know how we lived among you for your sake. ⁶ You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. ⁷ And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia. ⁸ The Lord’s message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia—your faith in God has become known everywhere. Therefore we do not need to say anything about it, ⁹ for they themselves report what kind of reception you gave us. They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, ¹⁰ and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead—Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath.

i have been reading the books of Thessalonians. and it has been really been a book that share about a very faithful, studious group of people ... who perservered in the trials of faith, loving God and people. i have been thinking how to study the word of God for awhile... to read through it repeatedly ? listen to it again and again ? meditate and ponder the word ? speak out and confess the verses ? find out the historical context of the people ?

Its good to have a study bible next to you!

a quick look says that the Thess-people shows:

- they are people with right motivation (v3)

- they work hand in hand with God, trusting His steps (v3)

- endure the cross like how Jesus did.

They fully follow the word of God. they imitate. they model after. they do it to such extent that their testimony reached everywhere... and become a source of encouragement to people who hear it.

there is also a radical transformation! (v9) they turn from idols to serve the one true living God... ernestly waiting for Jesus as their hope.

i think practically in my life.. it is not easy to model ourselves in the likes of our heroes of faith. talk about school work. exams. work commitments.. and the countless distractions on the internet. well sometimes there are just so many things that seeks our attention sometimes...

when i study for my examinations... it seems the slightest thing on my table can even pull my eyes away from my books. like a dusty comb to be cleaned. books lying in a corner needing to be packed. a new game in town there makes my finger itchy. the list is endless.

now that my exam is over.. strangely all these distractions are lesser. but they still compete for attention for my quiet time.. and in my study of the word of God.

To me imitators of Christ ... i dont believe is to become a monk and meditate like some wu gong. i am not sure how they kept their discipline back then... prob their distractions are not as serious as us. but one thing is for sure.. they are thirsty. and they know what they need to fill it.

As Christians... we will be thristy. even if we are filled now temporarily.. .we will be thirsty soon enough.

The question is ... do we know what we need to fill it... or do we just pluck the nearest fruit to fill in our stomach? a fruit that doesnt necessary nourish us. bbut distracts us. like a fruit of addictive computer games! that is my biggest tempter! or fruit of meeting friends that pulls us away from God? or fruit of covetousness?

i just feel right now i am using a very strange analogy.. fruits ..

but :) it serves its purpose! ultimately... i think its not impossible to follow after our heroes of faith. one good way is to be like them. study the word of God. purify our motives. and trust Jesus through everything and anything.

We need to be continually filled with the Holy Spirit. be led by Him. and ask Him to give us understanding on making the right decisions. Be led by the spirit... and thereby you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh.

i am gg to sleep! hope to learn something more from the WOG each day

mental fortress

i am thinking about what i am thinking now...

im feeling alittle lousy right now...

this post shall not be a post where i beat myself up..

you know... i have heard about my real mom. my actual mom. my dad says she is crazy.... she once wanted to throw me out of a window when i was a baby.... from the way my dad tells it... she left us and ran away. she couldnt stand it.

i cannot understand this... and i am not so sure if i ever will. how a mom leaves his child behind ?

but what makes me wonder is...... was my mom sane. did she snapped because of something that happened..

and for me... will i follow after her footsteps? will i one day snapped like she did ? i dont know but its like a lingering thing in me...

sigh. i hope i am not crazy.

but i shall just remmeber this verse. ps91. those who dwell in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadows of the almighty. I will say of Him ... He is my refuge. and my strength. In Him i will trust.

tired

feel very tired. sigh.

i need to spend some time with God.

i dont know how to keep doing what i am doing now...